i have removed my previous posting of this. it was angry and bitter and i was lashing out. i hate that sometimes i use this blog to vent. sometimes venting isn't really productive. at least, venting where you are "safe" but can injure others isn't very cool. i apologize for doing this. i am ashamed of myself.
rather, i think i can vent without hurting anyone else and possibly you can offer me some guidance.
i've been praying and attempting to heal a dark spot in my life. there are these people i love but have struggled to "like" recently. the rift occurred/occurs in regards to our religious understandings. those seem to be the bloodiest and most painful. if i'm honest with you and myself it's probably because most of us want to be right. i'm terrible, i want to be right and to be liked and loved.
i was informed that these people i love cannot really respect me and my beliefs because their beliefs assure them that they are correct and anything less than their standards are good intentions but tickets to hell nonetheless. ever since i heard this it has been like a rancid poison spreading through me. it eats away at our friendship, it eats away my relationship with my immediate and more distant family. it eats away my sanity and call to love and compassion.
i am desperate to let this anger go. i don't like what i see in myself as this anger continues inside of me.
i want to be a Christian. i want to be loving and kind. i want to be good.
please God, help me to get over this for once and for all. i know that while this hurt remains within me that i am the one who keeps it close. please forgive me God and help me to heal this ugly wound. amen.