Monday, July 14, 2008

warning: hot vent ahead, albeit a bit revised

i have removed my previous posting of this. it was angry and bitter and i was lashing out. i hate that sometimes i use this blog to vent. sometimes venting isn't really productive. at least, venting where you are "safe" but can injure others isn't very cool. i apologize for doing this. i am ashamed of myself.

rather, i think i can vent without hurting anyone else and possibly you can offer me some guidance.

i've been praying and attempting to heal a dark spot in my life. there are these people i love but have struggled to "like" recently. the rift occurred/occurs in regards to our religious understandings. those seem to be the bloodiest and most painful. if i'm honest with you and myself it's probably because most of us want to be right. i'm terrible, i want to be right and to be liked and loved.

i was informed that these people i love cannot really respect me and my beliefs because their beliefs assure them that they are correct and anything less than their standards are good intentions but tickets to hell nonetheless. ever since i heard this it has been like a rancid poison spreading through me. it eats away at our friendship, it eats away my relationship with my immediate and more distant family. it eats away my sanity and call to love and compassion.

i am desperate to let this anger go. i don't like what i see in myself as this anger continues inside of me.

i want to be a Christian. i want to be loving and kind. i want to be good.

please God, help me to get over this for once and for all. i know that while this hurt remains within me that i am the one who keeps it close. please forgive me God and help me to heal this ugly wound. amen.

8 comments:

Patrick Moore said...

I'll be interested in how this plays out in your sermon this week (if you are preaching the lectionary...parable of the weeds). I find it easier just to dismiss the "other's" humanity. But as Wesley said, "I affirm, I am not a Christian."

Anonymous said...

From a friend who has often disagreed and has still found a way to enjoy you; I am praying for you today...and for me...for us really. Hang in there. -Mitch

Dan Trabue said...

Ooh, I want to see the bitter-lashing out post!

Keep in mind that anger is sometimes a good thing.

"Be ye angry, and sin not..."

Perhaps that's not a helpful thought at this time, though. Whatever, prayers for peace are lifted your way, from someone who is sometimes there with you (my Best Man in my wedding and best friend growing up, I know questions my Christianity, too. hmmm.)

DogBlogger said...

(((revhipchick)))

I didn't see the original post, but I have a feeling that I've been in the place it came from, too.

Iris said...

(((hipchick)))

I've been there,too. And will walking right into it at a family reunion in about 3 weeks.

I didn't see the original post, either, but I have noticed you struggling with this before. It may sound kinda mean, but sometimes friendships run their course. You still love them, still pray for them, but it is no longer healthy to be close.

Kim in KCK said...

I still love you.

Big Unit said...

I tell the girls I work with, "You may not be wrong, it's just that I am right."

Seriously though, we all think what we believe is right; at least we should, what would be the point otherwise. What took me a long time to realize and admit though was that I don't live that life a lot of the time. I have a lot of double standards. I believe there is only one way to heaven but I sure have a hard time living like it. I guess that is the whole point of Jesus' sacrifice.

Anyway, I disagree with a lot of my friends beliefs but we are still friends. I am not going to try to change them and they don't try to change me; we live our lives the best we can and let others see our life, hopefully, they will see something positive and something they like in me.

And as much as we would like too it usually doesn't do much good to point out others faults, double standards, etc.

karlajean said...

love and hugs to you. thank you for your raw honesty....and prayers, too.