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Yesterday I checked in with someone who interviewed me for a position that I didn't get. It was terrible. I heard that the job was essentially mine but I blew the interview. It was a team interview, 2 of the people knew me and really wanted me to get the job. But when I interviewed, I gave vague answers. I wasn't specific enough. Then came the words I was loathe to hear,"We know she knows this stuff. She's amazing. But she didn't tell us." These are haunting words for me. They are the same words I heard during the ordination process in Misery. The people who knew me on my boards were disappointed because I didn't shine. I didn't share who I was. I didn't demonstrate my knowledge and capabilities. For a few years I've told the story that it was politics that did't allow me to be ordained. But now I'm sure it was something far more disturbing than policitics. It was myself. I stood in my own way. Just as I blew this recent interview fo…
I dreamt of Elizabeth last night.  She was dying.  I wrapped her in blankets and told her I loved her while her body turned cold and her breathing stopped.  It's made my morning difficult.  Instead of helping my girls get ready for school my brain is obsessing over Elizabeth.  Her smile, how she made me laugh, how she inspired me.  Her husband too.  Mowing his crazy yard with a rope that tied him to the porch so that he wouldn't fall down the hill.  Leonard was quiet but after Elizabeth died we became close too.

Being a pastor was such a blessing.  There are so many people that I would not have loved and known had it not been for being their pastor.  It's crazy but this morning, I began to wonder who I'm missing out on knowing and loving.

It's a reversal from my first year of ministry.  At the end of my first year of full time ministry, Janis, a woman I dearly loved died unexpectedly.  I never thought I'd get over having to do her funeral.  I was angry with God…

Thanks be to God!

I've been crying tears of joy this morning--life feels good again!

I'm working for a fabulous organization with absolutely amazing people.  People I totally like and respect and adore.

Joel will be teaching 1st grade this fall.  He's finally able to live his dream of being a teacher.

Valerie is growing stronger each day and has performed at church and a poetry slam at a college!

Ainsley is excited about middle school and is doing better than she has in months.

Merkin was elected student body president at her high school--the girl that had been through hell last year has shone through and not let it hold her back.  I am amazed and inspired by her.  I am inspired by all three of my girls who had their lives ripped apart last summer and have struggled to put it back together.

We have made it to the other side!  Thanks be to God!

We have one more step--getting our own place.  I know it's on the horizon.

Thanks be to God!
A year ago today, Palm Sunday, I announced to my church that we would be leaving at the end of June.  It also happened to be April 1st, April Fool's Day.  When the tears rolled down my face the congregation knew I wasn't joking.

As I sat in a church pew this morning, tears rolled from my eyes once more.  A year after announcing my resignation, I am beginning a new journey.  I start my new job at CASA of the Pike's Peak Region tomorrow morning.

It seems as though things have come full circle as we embark upon Holy Week once more.  Last Palm Sunday I began the task of saying good-bye to the congregations and those I came to love deeply.  This Palm Sunday I prepare to start a new job, a new ministry.

I could not have predicted the multiple changes and struggles we have faced this past year.  In many ways it was a year of death, loss, and pain.  I hope and pray that this year will be one of resurrection, new beginnings, and joy.

Scrapping the Plan

Last week I had two interviews--one working as a case manager/program counselor at a prison and the other as a case supervisor for an organization that protects children.  Two interesting and challenging places to work.  Two jobs I'd love and be honored to have.
At my second interview they asked the question I have no answer for--what is your 5 year plan?  I likely blew the interview when I told them that I scrapped the plan and I no longer have a plan.  Frankly, I don't believe in plans.  Even later when pushed about a shorter plan--I have no plan.  I said something along the lines of "I want to do good work.  If you hire me I will dedicate myself heart and soul to ___ for the long haul but I don't have a plan."  It was the most honest thing I could say.  Perhaps honesty is part of the reason I'm still searching.
I also wonder if part of the reason I'm still searching is that I continue to sporadically write on the blog.  It's not anonymous.  I disco…
I have a caseworker.

I've been out of work since July.  When we ran out of savings we applied and received food stamps (which are no longer stamps at all).  Here in Colorado we have "workfare."

Workfare is a great thing--potentially.  Since Joel works full time he doesn't have to participate in the program.  I on the other hand...well, you know.  The first step of workfare is a job search class.  Although very poorly executed it had some good information and advice about job searching and interviewing.  Next we were assigned a caseworker.  To be honest, I was excited about meeting with a caseworker because I thought I'd be able to talk with her about the job search and get some ideas about what I could be doing better as well as have an additional resource for where to apply for work.  No such luck. 

"Joan" had at least 15 people assigned to her during that one class.  She reiterated that we were required to volunteer at one of the approved non-profit…

Work

I've been unemployed since July.  It began as a lovely vacation.  We knew it was coming so we did our best to prepare, saving a bit here and there.  We didn't have much but having some helped quite a bit.  I spent the summer filling out job applications and hiking with my youngest daughter.  It was actually quite nice.

School began, the girls returned to their classes and thankfully Joel had found work in a severe needs special education classroom.  Their work began and our money ran out.

A bit of panic set in.  I knew the economy was rough but I was shocked that nothing had happened...I hadn't even gotten an interivew.  I went to the local work force center for a resume building class.  I learned that I shouldn't talk about religion or mention that I have a Master's degree unless the job I'm applying for asks for one.  The religion thing cracked me up...the past 8 years I've been working as a pastor, how do I get around that? 

The third and best thing I l…

Cheers to a New Year!

Happy 2013!

I don't remember ever remember being so excited and grateful for a new year.  As our youngest went around the house asking what our resolutions for 2013 are I spouted out the usual:  eat healthier, exercise more, spend less, and write more.  But as I walked away random thoughts racing through my monkey mind the most important resolution I could make flitted into my head.  In the year of 2013 I am giving up FEAR.  It's also rather poetic to give up fear in the year of 13.  Throughout my life I have chosen to  embrace Friday the 13th as a lucky day rather than one to fear--why not do the same with the year of 2013?

This year has been difficult to say the least.  It has been fraught with fear and doubt.  It has also been filled with courage and strength overcoming the obstacles thrown before us.  I have discovered throughout this year that I am stronger than I know. 

My new resolution for 2013 is to disarm the fears that hold me back from living life to its fullest.…