It's been several years but here I am again.
I'm now in process to become an ordained pastor in the United Church of Christ! It feels like I'm entering a period of renewal and getting back to my true roots and calling.
Thankfully I have a fabulous mentor for the process. She has given me homework. One thing is totally creative and not using words--only pictures to collage themes of fear and failure. The second piece is to journal about fear and failure. I've decided that it's highly unlikely that anyone actually reads this blog anymore since it's been inactive for years so it's as good as place as any to journal. Plus I found a great community when I was actively blogging and my hope is to renew that community as well.
A few things for you to know, this year I broke my 40+ years of biting my nails! This is HUGE and something I've tried to do most of life. Unfortunately, I have developed a new bad habit, I fiddle with my fingernails and often end up tearing them and so they are still really short. But I am working on it.
Back in February I started working out at a kickboxing gym called 9 Round. It kicks my butt and I absolutely love it! My start was sporadic but over the summer I was going 4-5 times a week and feeling fantastic, feeling like I could do anything!
Back in January a doctor told me I might have Celiac's Disease. To get the actual diagnosis you have to have stomach biopsies. I chose to skip the biopsies and cut out gluten and stay away from dairy (that is nearly impossible for me! but I've been pretty fair at skipping it).
A few weeks ago I went on vacation and turned off my work emails from my phone. I felt like a self-care rockstar! Then I went to my psych eval for the UCC process. The DR asked what had changed that I was worthy of a week without work (I seriously think it's the first time I had real time off from work for an entire week in 3 years!). I went on to describe how great I've been doing this year and we spoke about the horrendous year I had in 2015/2016. He suggested that I experienced a sort of brokenness that put me through far more stress than I've ever had before and therefore I had to learn how to take care of myself.
So what does this have to do with fear and failure? The past 2 weeks since my vacation and psych eval I have completely fallen off the wagon. I've worked out once. My nails are the shortest they've been in 2 months. I've eaten both gluten and dairy on a few occasions. My self-sabotage has kicked in on high.
What the hell is that about? Is it fear of success? Do I not deserve to feel good and look good?
I'm not sure so I emailed my shrink to see if I can get back to work on these issues. I want to use this discernment time, my time with my mentor, this time of my life to be healthy. I want to be physically, mentally, and spiritually in good health, the best health of my life as I move forward towards ordination and I know that I can't do that on my own.