Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Happy Birthday Christopher

Christopher would have been 27 today. I imagine that he would have graduated from college, gotten a job and still rides his long board to work. His brown hair tousled and windblown from the ride. Perhaps by now he'd be looking to settle down and start a family or perhaps he'd be adventuring around the world and exploring.

I also imagine that our daily reality would have been pretty harsh had he survived. Had he lived, I probably wouldn't know him either as we were set to give him up for adoption. I was only 16 and quite a mess, I wouldn't have been a great mother. Some of my roughest years were still to come. Often I've thought death was kinder to me than adoption would have been. I would have constantly been looking and wondering and trying to find him just to know that he was okay.

Please understand, I believe in adoption. I believe mothers and fathers who give their children to another family to raise are brave and show great faith. I do not think I could have been so strong.

This morning I spoke into the wind, knowing that the wind would take my message to Christopher wherever and whoever he may be now. I said, "Happy Birthday, I love you and still think of you often." The pain never fully goes away, it ebbs and flows. For me, acknowledging it is far better than ignoring it and pushing through the pain. I can speak into the wind and release the pain rather than holding on to it.

I love you Christopher and I always will.

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