It started with a sore, a lesion, in the most unpleasant of places. I finally called the ob/gyn for an appointment.
At the appointment, she told me it wasn't anything to worry about. She was sure it was a varicose vein. Gross! Who knew you could get varicose veins in your vaginal area? Certainly not I! All the same I was relieved. She took the biopsy just in case. I left my appointment gently chastising myself for being a hypochondriac and going to the worst case scenario of the big C.
About two weeks ago she called with my results. I had just gotten out of court and was checking messages. I got a little nervous when she wanted me to call her but then I realized that if it was major they'd have me come in. So I sat in my car and called.
"They found precancerous cells, we're going to refer you to Dr. X. He'll cut until there are clean margins. His office will call you in a few days."
"Do you have any questions?"
"Not right now."
In my brain the "pre" dropped off. All I heard was cancer. I had been relieved to be wrong the week earlier. And now it was precancerous.
I've had a bit more time to process so I'm feeling pretty good. I've gotten to the place where I don't think about it every day. It helped when my pap smear came back clear. It also helped to learn the actual name of my condition, vulvar intraepithelial neoplasia or VIN III. I've laughed quite a bit about finding one of the most obscure conditions to get--leave it to me! See, I am special!
I see the gynecologic oncologist next week. I am nervous about it. I'm scared it will be multi-focal (more than one spot). I'm scared of the pain. I'm scared they will find the big C in other places. But I'm also hopeful. I'm hopeful it will just be one small spot. I'm hopeful that all will be well. I'm hopeful that he'll take more time to explain the process and what's going on. I'm hopeful my ears will be listening and my brain will connect the sound waves. Thankfully, Joel is going with me as well, so I will have a second set of ears and a second brain to help make sense of it all.