I've been a hot mess all weekend.
Realistically, I've been a hot mess since Drumpf won the Republican nomination. I've had highs and lows. This past week has been terrible though. I feel like I'm cycling between depression, anger, anxiety, and fear with a little bit of hope and activism thrown in for good measure.
As I was trying to calm down this morning and prepare for my day I realized that I am triggered. I feel out of control because my PTSD has been triggered and has likely been triggered for months now but has hit a very high level.
In therapy I've learned to look for common threads in my trauma (for me they are like Lays chips--can't have just one). Most of my trauma is related to different but similar white men. White men who have power over me; they are men who believe they are always right and have the power to do or take whatever they want no matter what. Sound familiar? They are white men who claim the title of Christian but act in ways counter to Jesus's life. They are white men whose egos are larger than life and believe that no one else really matters, only them and how the world bows and bends to them. When the world is not bowing and bending they will manipulate and/or take by force, when you resist they lash out with great vengeance. This is who I see as the POTUS.
No wonder I've been a hot mess! My old wounds have been split open and are bleeding all over me. So here I am, hoping that by sharing this I can begin to stop the bleeding. I've called my therapist and will see her soon. I've talked with my wonderful and supportive husband. Now, I've shared it with you. I'll get myself together after I publish this post and head to work. Instead of a lunch break I'll go to the gym and physically work out my grief and pain. I'm not sure what's next, I'm sure my therapist will have some good ideas.
Thanks for listening/reading. If you too are triggered talk to someone, get some help. It's going to be a long four years and we need to be strong for the resistance.