Thursday, March 8, 2012

Getting to the root

It's been an interesting week.  I've had some good, even if frustrating, a-ha moments. 

4 years ago, fresh out of seminary and thrilled about my upcoming appointment in the United Methodist Church I lost my voice.  Some days it feels more like my vocal chords were ripped from my throat. I put some band-aids over the wounds and garnered some strength and began to speak and preach again.  There were days, runs of weeks even, when my voice felt stronger, I thought I was gaining strength and healing, recovering from the wounds but then I'd catch site of blood and speak and preach quietly again.
I don't think I had a clue how deep the wound was/is.

Last fall, I felt attacked as a member of the district committee on ordained ministry asked me, "Do you even like preaching?"  He went on to say that I had no passion, no energy, that I did not proclaim the gospel.  For months I've carried this with me.  It's eaten at the vocal chords, gnawing on them, gobbling up whatever was left from the "accident" 4 years ago.  After much anger on my part, thinking has this man even met me?  Doesn't he know that I am nothing if not passionate and fiery and energetic?  And then I realized that he was probably right.  How could my preaching have been passionate and energetic when my vocal chords have been ripped out?  How could I exude passion and energy when every word is tentatively spoken?  How could I like preaching when I was so very afraid of it? 

This week I realized that I have got to tell my story.  The whole story.  For 4 years I've told bits and pieces of it but never the whole thing.  It is my hope that in telling the whole story that I will begin to rebuild my voice, to shake off the chains of fear and doubt so that I may preach the gospel with passion, energy, and courage.

2 comments:

The Vicar of Hogsmeade said...

If they can't hear your story, they won't know your heart. Most of the difference we can make in ministry comes from knowing each other's hearts.

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