Skip to main content

21

21 years ago today I gave birth to a little boy named Christopher Thomas.  Christopher never took a breath outside of my womb but I miss him just the same.  He lived and grew within me for 6 months.  Even though I was 16 and scared to death I loved him, was in love with him from early on.  Laughing when he first had the hiccups and then thinking he would become a kick-boxer or soccer player the way he moved all the time. 

Christopher would be 21 this year.  Had he been healthy and born on time I would likely still be in mourning today, wondering what he'd be like, if he went to college or had a special someone.  We planned to give him to a wonderful family who would love and take care of him better than a 16 year old girl and boyfriend who'd probably not last another year together, let alone be good parents.  He was never going to be mine.  But he's always been mine, he's always been near. 

I used to get glimpses of him as a 5 year old boy, dark hair, brown eyes and onry as the dickens.  Then a few years back while celebrating one of my friends' son's 15th birthday it hit me that he was the same age as Christopher would have been.  A skater boy, dark shaggy hair, deep brown eyes.  This Sunday on the way to church it hit me that Christopher would be 21 this year.  It's hard to imagine me with a 21 year old son.  Yet, it doesn't seem so scary now.  He'd be a young man, hopefully near finishing his college degree.  Philosophy?  Science?  Pre-med even?  Or maybe religious studies...like his mom.

This has been a hard birthday.  I've been a mess since Sunday.  Thankfully I have an especially wonderful husband and sister.  My sister, Amanda, drove 3 hours this morning to be with me.  She knew I was in pain.  Unfortunatley she knows my pain as she lost her first daughter just 6 weeks after she was born.  Today we cried we laughed.  We loved our dead children.

Yesterday was Merkin's birthday, today Christopher's, and Friday will be mine.  Most years aren't this rough.  The freshness of the pain ebbs and flows in no particular pattern or rhythm. 

Happy Birthday Christopher, I've always loved you and I always will.

Comments

Rebecca Ramsey said…
This is so beautiful, and I grieve for you. What a generous young woman you were. I'll be thinking of you today.
Mompriest said…
oh...so much here to celebrate and grieve. Much love to you.
revkjarla said…
Oh sweetie, yes, so much generosity of spirit, of love, and vulnerability.
Love to you...
and remember,
we are birthday sisters! 9/3!
One Womans Life said…
Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. When I had a miscarriage 28 years ago, I bought myself a little figurine of a baby sleeping in a little bed. Even though I went on to have other children, that baby still existed and is loved. I wish you the very best.

Popular posts from this blog

My Third-trimester Abortion

It's something I don't talk about much.

In the past I referred to it as a stillbirth. It was a stillbirth. But it was also an induced labor in my third trimester, hence making it a third-trimester abortion.

When I discovered I was pregnant I was only 16 years old. I'm pretty sure Christopher was conceived on the night my mom walked in on my boyfriend and I having sex on the couch. I thought she was going to be at work but she came home early. He ran out the door and I cried while my mother yelled profanities at me. It was a horrible night for all of us.

I wasn't smart enough to consider pretending I was on my period. After a few months my mom asked me if I was pregnant. She was right but I denied it just the same. Tim and I had talked about giving the baby up for adoption but we were scared out of our minds and decided I'd get an abortion. Another month or so passed, I hadn't gotten an abortion and I couldn't deny my pregnancy to my mom anymore. I told her …

Sleep Deprived Post

First of all, I am a sleeper. I can sleep through nearly anything.  I can still sleep until noon. As soon as my head hits the pillow I fall asleep. I can wake up and go back to sleep almost immediately. I'm a sleeper, it's what I do.

This morning I woke up around 2:30 or 3. I have not been able to go back to sleep! I've been yawning for hours, I've tried laying down and going back to sleep but it's not working. So here I am 2.5 hours later writing on my blog. I'm not sure I can be responsible for what I write in this sleep deprived state.

In about 5 hours I'll leave to pick up my eldest daughter and her BFF from college. Let's hope I don't sleep during the drive!  Okay, not really funny. I'll have to take a cue from my mom and pull over and take a nap when I get drowsy.

I think it was my junior year of high school and I was driving a boat of a car that looked a lot like this:
If possible, I think it was even longer and not as pretty but it was go…
It's been several years but here I am again.

I'm now in process to become an ordained pastor in the United Church of Christ!  It feels like I'm entering a period of renewal and getting back to my true roots and calling.

Thankfully I have a fabulous mentor for the process. She has given me homework. One thing is totally creative and not using words--only pictures to collage themes of fear and failure. The second piece is to journal about fear and failure. I've decided that it's highly unlikely that anyone actually reads this blog anymore since it's been inactive for years so it's as good as place as any to journal.  Plus I found a great community when I was actively blogging and my hope is to renew that community as well.

A few things for you to know, this year I broke my 40+ years of biting my nails!  This is HUGE and something I've tried to do most of life. Unfortunately, I have developed a new bad habit, I fiddle with my fingernails and often end up t…