Wednesday, December 2, 2009

frustration with this process

Why do they ask unknowable questions?  Questions which far greater minds than mine have struggled with and come to no good answer.

I say, "I have an inkling that it began with free will but know nothing else."  Sin, that is what we're talking about.  I want to say, "I don't know and neither do you so why do we play this silly game so that you can decide if my answer is enough?"  Instead, I will come up with a fallible failure of an answer that I know we cannot possibly discern.  I will play your silly game because I want the status, the honor, you can give me.

How ironic is that?  Nearly every week I get up and preach that these honors men and women bestow upon themselves are nothing.  I preach that God chooses, prefers to lift up the lowly, the tossed aside and tossed away, those trampled on, those who men and women say are worthless.  Yet, here I am prepared to play your silly game so that I can  come back week after week and proclaim that God loves the lowly, the weak, the untouchables, and so should we.  All while I play your silly game where you determine if I am good enough to proclaim God's love in your churches.

Some days I wonder why I play this game.  I wonder if God is truly in this game that we play.  This game in which I'm asked to pretend that I have the answers and you determine if these answers are good enough while we both know that they are not.  Yours are not. Mine are not. Our human minds are not enough to fully understand. 

I take this time to step away from my family, my church, God's people who I've been called by God (not you) to comfort and to lead and to love.

I have to believe that this game we play means something more or I am a fool.  Why can't we sit down and talk about God, grace, love, redemption, and where God is moving in our midsts?  Those are important conversations.  Why do we instead play a game, a quiz where the answers are simply shadows and echos of what might be truth or might be our greatest misunderstanding?

Why not make it truly meaningful, rather than a game in which neither of us know the answers to the questions?

1 comment:

Mompriest said...

amen. I've always that the ordination process is a good idea gone bad because of the egos of human beings who become too full of themeselves as they "judge" the worthiness of another....sad.
prayers for you, friend...and hang in there, cuz although its flawed it is the process and we need you on the other side, ordained and sustained by the church...sigh