Skip to main content

frustration with this process

Why do they ask unknowable questions?  Questions which far greater minds than mine have struggled with and come to no good answer.

I say, "I have an inkling that it began with free will but know nothing else."  Sin, that is what we're talking about.  I want to say, "I don't know and neither do you so why do we play this silly game so that you can decide if my answer is enough?"  Instead, I will come up with a fallible failure of an answer that I know we cannot possibly discern.  I will play your silly game because I want the status, the honor, you can give me.

How ironic is that?  Nearly every week I get up and preach that these honors men and women bestow upon themselves are nothing.  I preach that God chooses, prefers to lift up the lowly, the tossed aside and tossed away, those trampled on, those who men and women say are worthless.  Yet, here I am prepared to play your silly game so that I can  come back week after week and proclaim that God loves the lowly, the weak, the untouchables, and so should we.  All while I play your silly game where you determine if I am good enough to proclaim God's love in your churches.

Some days I wonder why I play this game.  I wonder if God is truly in this game that we play.  This game in which I'm asked to pretend that I have the answers and you determine if these answers are good enough while we both know that they are not.  Yours are not. Mine are not. Our human minds are not enough to fully understand. 

I take this time to step away from my family, my church, God's people who I've been called by God (not you) to comfort and to lead and to love.

I have to believe that this game we play means something more or I am a fool.  Why can't we sit down and talk about God, grace, love, redemption, and where God is moving in our midsts?  Those are important conversations.  Why do we instead play a game, a quiz where the answers are simply shadows and echos of what might be truth or might be our greatest misunderstanding?

Why not make it truly meaningful, rather than a game in which neither of us know the answers to the questions?

Comments

Mompriest said…
amen. I've always that the ordination process is a good idea gone bad because of the egos of human beings who become too full of themeselves as they "judge" the worthiness of another....sad.
prayers for you, friend...and hang in there, cuz although its flawed it is the process and we need you on the other side, ordained and sustained by the church...sigh

Popular posts from this blog

My Third-trimester Abortion

It's something I don't talk about much.

In the past I referred to it as a stillbirth. It was a stillbirth. But it was also an induced labor in my third trimester, hence making it a third-trimester abortion.

When I discovered I was pregnant I was only 16 years old. I'm pretty sure Christopher was conceived on the night my mom walked in on my boyfriend and I having sex on the couch. I thought she was going to be at work but she came home early. He ran out the door and I cried while my mother yelled profanities at me. It was a horrible night for all of us.

I wasn't smart enough to consider pretending I was on my period. After a few months my mom asked me if I was pregnant. She was right but I denied it just the same. Tim and I had talked about giving the baby up for adoption but we were scared out of our minds and decided I'd get an abortion. Another month or so passed, I hadn't gotten an abortion and I couldn't deny my pregnancy to my mom anymore. I told her …

Sleep Deprived Post

First of all, I am a sleeper. I can sleep through nearly anything.  I can still sleep until noon. As soon as my head hits the pillow I fall asleep. I can wake up and go back to sleep almost immediately. I'm a sleeper, it's what I do.

This morning I woke up around 2:30 or 3. I have not been able to go back to sleep! I've been yawning for hours, I've tried laying down and going back to sleep but it's not working. So here I am 2.5 hours later writing on my blog. I'm not sure I can be responsible for what I write in this sleep deprived state.

In about 5 hours I'll leave to pick up my eldest daughter and her BFF from college. Let's hope I don't sleep during the drive!  Okay, not really funny. I'll have to take a cue from my mom and pull over and take a nap when I get drowsy.

I think it was my junior year of high school and I was driving a boat of a car that looked a lot like this:
If possible, I think it was even longer and not as pretty but it was go…
It's been several years but here I am again.

I'm now in process to become an ordained pastor in the United Church of Christ!  It feels like I'm entering a period of renewal and getting back to my true roots and calling.

Thankfully I have a fabulous mentor for the process. She has given me homework. One thing is totally creative and not using words--only pictures to collage themes of fear and failure. The second piece is to journal about fear and failure. I've decided that it's highly unlikely that anyone actually reads this blog anymore since it's been inactive for years so it's as good as place as any to journal.  Plus I found a great community when I was actively blogging and my hope is to renew that community as well.

A few things for you to know, this year I broke my 40+ years of biting my nails!  This is HUGE and something I've tried to do most of life. Unfortunately, I have developed a new bad habit, I fiddle with my fingernails and often end up t…