This morning my mind raced with ideas about what to do with our weekend: getting the house cleaned up, decorating for Christmas, making Christmas candies and cookies, having friends over to play some games, or maybe inviting our parents over to play Hand and Foot (an outrageous card game that is lots of fun), shopping for Christmas presents, or perhaps having a date night with Joel. Surely, there's enough time for all of that right?
Joel has been under an immense amount of stress due to his own procrastination with his classes. But after midnight tonight (his deadline for the last paper) he will be free! At least until the next class starts. I too have been stressed and working too much. Last weekend I worked both Saturday and Sunday, this is my first weekend in several weeks that I won't have to work! Hurrah! So it's no surprise that I want to cram everything in while I have time.
Earlier in the week I thought my weekend would mean laying in bed feeling miserable so I started overloading on Vitamin C, doing nasal rinses, using Raven in my diffuser to help me breath and guess what? It worked! I'm still a little stuffy but I'm not concerned about wasting my weekend in bed.
I am concerned that I won't be productive and have a little fun at the same time. As my mind was racing this morning, I pictured a clean kitchen with my girls laughing and having fun while we make chocolate peanut butter balls, Christmas music playing in the background (Weezer's Christmas of course), and then friends coming over with their kiddos and lots of laughter and good times, like a Hallmark Christmas movie where all is good and everyone is happy. That's how my plans always look in my mind.
As I've been pondering success and what that looks like, I feel like this double edged sword. As I seek success, it also brings to mind all the ways I have failed. For example, this weekend will not include family and friends coming over to eat homemade cookies and candies. My girls are both sick, I may have warded off whatever they have but they aren't willing to do the nasal rinses ("Gross!) that I swear by and they both are suffering from depression. For now, that Hallmark picture isn't part of my reality. I will have a clean kitchen come hell or high water!
I'm the person always telling people that perfection is overrated. That getting back up when we fall down is what matters. Or perhaps I'm just trying to convince myself.
My life has never been picture perfect. I've had lots of great ups and downs. I've laughed and loved in the midst of muck and mud, I don't think I'd want it any other way. And yet, each time a holiday or party or school year comes around, something picture perfect comes into my head and I strive to get there. Sometimes I have a breakdown because it's not picture perfect and other times I laugh and find the joy in that moment. I guess it's good to realize the only thing that even the picture never comes out quite perfect, our imaginations fill it in.
Here's to a weekend filled with imperfections, depressed kids who have a little bit of laughter, and that I get my clean kitchen! May we find joy in the mess!