Ramblings of Revhipchick

The time has come...again

2011-11-01T09:46:00.000-05:00

I've been very quiet not only the blogosphere but in my real world as well. In September I met with the district board of ordained ministry in order to move on to the next step in the ordination process. For a myriad of reasons I was not approved to meet with the conference board of ordained ministry. Yes, this was hurtful and irritating but something very good has come out of it. 2 members of the board came and spoke with me about the reasons why I was not passed on to the conference board--it boiled down to me not presenting my true self. Instead of presenting me, they felt that I was holding back, trying to tame my edges, trying to be that person the board would approve rather than being myself. At first I was offended by this, a little bit anyway. I'm always who I am--I don't try to be anyone else. But sometimes, often times, too often, I do hold back, limit what I say, tame those edges.

Throughout CPE I was reminded that God called ME into ministry--not some shadow of myself. And yet, I haven't been fully living it out.

A few weeks ago, I had a terrible sermon. It started out fine, thankfully it ended fine, but in the middle of it I nearly broke down and gave up. There were things my heart was longing to say but I was afraid to say them. Finally, I spilled some of what was on my heart. No one was offended, no one was mad. It was fine.

It's been bothering me that after nearly 3.5 years I'm still afraid to speak my heart. In some ways I think it's gotten worse rather than better. I feel as though I am liked and even loved by my congregations. However, instead of freeing me, I think I've been pulled deeper into the fear of losing the love and respect I've been given. Of finally saying that one thing that will push everyone away.

There used to be a loud outspoken woman who didn't worry so much about what others said or thought. Then this woman became withdrawn, tenuous in speaking, caring a great deal about what others thought or said, wanting to be liked and loved. But that is not the woman God called to ministry. That is not even the woman I feel comfortable being, that's not who I am in my heart of hearts.

When I went to seminary it felt like coming home to myself after many years of "mom" defining who I was. In some ways it's like I've gotten lost in the shuffle again. Now pastor defines me. Pastor, not preacher, not mom, not wife, not outspoken, funny, and loud.

A good friend of mine recently said, "You have great ideas but the problem is that you don't share them." This much was true in seminary as well, rarely would I speak in class. There were times and there were moments in which I was brave and offensive and those are the moments I am most proud. Those were moments that mattered. Those were the reasons God called me into ministry--not to simply be a pastor--a caretaker of God's beloved. That's one part but I also need to be a leader, a provoker, a preacher.

I'm good at comforting, taking care of others, and even of teaching and explaining, but once upon a time I was called to be a prophet. That time has come again, I can feel God calling me to trust, to go to be who God called me to be fully and completely without reserve.

I can't be silent, quiet, anymore.

Those kids...

2011-06-20T10:35:00.000-05:00

Raising children is hard. Raising tweens is hard. Raising teenagers is hard.

Not just hard, it's heartbreaking.

One of my favorite lines about parenting is that it's like watching your heart walk around outside of one's body.

A few days ago I was driving to a volleyball game listening to music from 20 years ago. As Tracy Chapman's "This Time" began to play I couldn't help but cry. There are 3 albums that I listened to nonstop during a very depressed and broken time when I was 19--Tracy Chapman's self-titled album & Crossroads, and the Indigo Girls's self-titled album. It never fails that as soon as a song from one of those cds plays I remember all the heartache and emotions of that time in my life. It transports me to that time in my life but it's not like a flashback and it's not emotionally crippling. This last time I cried during "This Time" I cried for the girl I was, wishing that I could hold her and tell her that everything would be okay. I wanted to assure her that life was going to be wonderful and good.

Today, I wish I could hold my middle girl and tell her the same. Of course I tried but I'm sure she didn't hear it. I know her nearly 40 year old self couldn't break through. I fear walking those years with my girls. I know how tender and fragile I was, I was close to ending it all and never making it to 40. I hope and pray my girls don't know, don't experience walking on the edge of life, of sanity in the way that I did.

Some days I remember that they have a life that I did not. They have two parents who love and care for them, there's no abuse. As my eldest pointed out yesterday, she and one other kid in her class are the only two kids who have homes in which their parents don't fight all the time and aren't already or in the process of divorce. We're not perfect but our life is good.

Then some days, I wonder about how much genes play a role in our lives. Are they doomed to struggles with depression and anxiety due to my lovely gene pool? I know better. I know it's a mix of both. I pray that they have it easier than I did but will be as compassionate, loving, and strong as I grew to be because of my struggles. I hope they can learn through my mistakes and make their own that aren't quite as devastating.

Rough draft for Pentecost...feedback is appreciated!

2011-06-08T13:48:00.001-05:00

It’s that time of yearagain…it’s Pentecost. Pentecost as inPentecostal…some of us are not so comfortable with that term as it brings tomind talking in tongues (not the same kind of tongue talking we just read in Acts2), mumbling prayers, hands waving, and perhaps some snake handling. Pentecost in and of itself means 50, 50 dayshad passed since Passover, 50 days since the stone was rolled away from thetomb and Mary thought she was talking to the gardener but was speaking withJesus. 50 days doesn’t have much to dowith holy languages, prayer, hand waving and certainly nothing to do withsnakes. But it’s what happened on that50^th day that the disciples were gathered, waiting for a word,waiting for the Word, waiting for Jesus that changed everything, that has to dowith prayer, hand waving, the languages we speak…I think we’re best to leavethe snakes to themselves.

50 days since Easter forthem and their time together was turned upside down, people where hearing thegospel in languages that they could understand, Peter—the one who never gotanything right, stood up and spoke eloquently assuring the crowds that the menand women speaking in these varied languages were not drunk…after all, it wasonly 9am in the morning! Peter—the onewho always spoke too soon, constantly needing to retrieve his foot from hismouth, this same Peter was now standing before the crowd of witnesses,testifying that the prophet Joel’s wordshad come true—young men and women, yeswomen! Men and women were prophesying,the young were having visions while the old ones dream powerful dreams and allwere coming together so that we, you and I, 2000+ years later might know thatthere is more than existential angst, that we too might dream dreams and seevisions, and come to know the resurrected Jesus, not only in stories butthrough the power of the Holy Spirit. Some hand waving seems appropriate doesn’t it? Thanks be to God, that we can know Christ,that we can feel the power of the Holy Spirit blowing upon our lives,whispering in our ears.

But we look around ourgathering this morning; do we see visions of the young and old? Do we see flaming tongues or hear howlingwinds of the Holy Spirit? Do we secretlywonder if the Spirit of God is no longer in this place?

This weekend at AnnualConference, I listened to a young man speak of his dreams. He dreamt that God was walking beside him,they walked upon a street in Belize, walked from the street and into a smallcramped factory, a sweatshop where a little girl came up to the young man andsaid “Help.” This young man was up therest of the night trying to decide if this meant he needed to go to Belize orif it was that he needed to look and listen to those who cry out for help. Or perhaps both. As he spoke, there was a fire burning withinhim, the fire of Pentecost. As Ilistened to him, I thought of Peter’s words, your old will dream dreams andyour young will have visions. The timehas come! Not merely 2000 years ago, 50days after that first Easter but today, there are young men and women withvision for our church. There are olderfolks with dreams for our church. We arethe body of Christ as we join together and work to make disciples for thetransformation of the world.

God has not left us alone,God is with us, God has sent the paraclete, the Holy Spirit to guide us, tocomfort us, to argue with us when we sit in the face of injustice. Today we celebrate the birthday of thechurch—what gift will we bring? Whatgift will we bring to the body of Christ redeemed by Christ’s blood, one ineach other, one in ministry to all the world? While at Annual Conference this weekend, a friend of mine suggested thatour United Methodist mission statement was backward—Making disciples of JesusChrist for the transformation of the world and what we should be doing isTransforming the world to make disciples of Jesus Christ. How often does the world look upon Christiansand see nothing but hypocrisy, hate, intolerance, self-righteousness? Perhaps if we spoke less and worked more,they might see our love, our grace, our peace, and our concern for the worldthat God so loved and was willing to become one of us, willing to die upon thatcross, and refused to let death and hate be the end of the story. This young man who dreamed of a little girlneeding help in Belize, suggested something along these lines as well—he saidthat in the church we say we must build the church so we can do missions, butperhaps we must do missions so that we can build the church.

This young man that spoke atAnnual Conference is not the lone voice in the wilderness. We too have youth with dreams and visions forour church and the Church. The questionis do we listen? Do we listen and dowere hear even if the gospel is spoken in a language unlike ours? Can we let the Holy Spirit translate for us,so we might hear the vision and understand? Listen, listen!

Authority--a word study

2011-05-09T21:27:00.000-05:00

I had so much fun writing this for CPE I thought I'd share it with you.

As long as I can recall, I've had "authority issues." It was no surprise to receive word from the Board of Ordained Ministry of the Missouri Conference of the United Methodist, and that they wanted me to work on issues of authority. Perhaps the most intriguing aspect of their request was that they perceived me as not "claiming my authority." I did not receive instructions about needing to respect their authority, rather I needed assistance in learning to claim and own my very own authority as a pastor. I came to CPE prepared to further explore my "authority issues."

The word, authority, originally has to do with the work of an author or master of some trade/education. The word, author, needs some of its own exegetical work. According to the Online Etymology Dictionary (crafted by Douglas Harper)[1] an author is one who fathers or masters a particular subject or thing and even "one who causes to grow." Currently, one associates authorship with a book--the author should be well informed of her subject and thus is hopefully masterful/fully knowledgeable and experienced with her subject and hence then trustworthy. Authority then should inspire others to trust--to trust in the words, advice, and/or creation of what is offered. That authority comes from knowing and being well-versed, or even a creator of the particular subject of consideration. As with most words and things--in and of itself it is innocuous and simply a thing to be used--how one uses that thing or word is what creates the stir--not the thing in and of itself.

Authors and authority should, at their best use, inspire trust and safety. However, in my personal experiences I've known plenty of people who have claimed authority and used it in nefarious ways. As a member of "Generation X" I have been indoctrinated into automatically distrusting those who loudly and proudly proclaim their authority. I am part of a generation who grew up on scandals and the exposing of hypocrisy especially in religious and political arenas. I learned early to "question authority." Question authority I did and continue to do so. I do not implicitly trust anyone, especially those who want to give proscriptions to myself and others. And yet, I heard God's calling on my life and choose to follow that calling by giving myself over to the authorities of the church. I long for their approval and am willing to give much of myself in order to receive it.

As a young child, the first authority figures in my life--my mother and father--were complex and complicated as we humans tend to be. My father filled with anger and rage, fueled by intense emotions, expressed himself in both loving and terrifying moments. There was little to trust--I trusted that there would be pain and tears to accompany his love. My mother fled from his wrathful and jealous love, leaving me with him, trying to take comfort in the belief that he'd never hurt me and knowing that in doing so she protected the lives of her parents and herself. There was little to trust--I trusted that I could rely only on myself. I learned to take others with a grain of salt--to protect myself by intuiting others' emotions and what they wanted or expected me to do or say. I learned not to trust.

The word authority grew from being an " invention, advice, opinion, influence, command"[2] from a creator/master/father/one who causes growth into something with "power to enforce obedience."[3] Unfortunately, whenever we begin to believe that we have the answers or the right idea we also begin to believe that we must force others to go along if we can't persuade them by our tongues--this is part of our human brokenness, our wanting to be God. Sometime in the 14th century we moved from an author who causes growth into an authority which can use force to get its way, to make others play by our rules.[4]

It is this enforcing where authority has gone wrong, lost its way. Real authority is authority that is given out of trust and respect--it does not need to enforce. Real authority is like love--it is freely received, it does not force. Serious authority relies on trust, the inspiration that comes from the one who is able to cause growth. Serious authority, the authority that inspires fear in all the fakers--all those who'd use force to get their way--does not need force, it is freely given and freely received. This is the authority that is hard to embody, to incarnate. This is the authority that I wish to live out in my personhood and in my ministry. I reject authority that requires force or a voice (ala Cartman) squealing "Respect my authority!"

So how does this authority even begin to get lived out? This authority begins with grace, humility, and love. This is the kind of authority ministry requires--this authority that causes things to grow is exactly what the church needs, it's what we all need. We've had enough of the authorities that put a stop to life, that demand, that command, that must be ordered. We need authority that encourages trust, loyalty, and causes life to grow.

I hope to live out this authority in my ministry by listening to the people in my congregations as well as by having an ear to the community and hearing what those on the margins are saying and needing. In these 9 months I've learned that the best use of my authority comes from remembering who I am, what my purpose is, and from whom it comes. I have no need to enforce my authority on others, even when questioned. Neither must I bow to those who question my authority, instead I remain calm and follow through on my purpose. My authority cannot be taken away--it can only be freely accepted and freely given.

[1] http://www.etymonline.com/columns/bio.htm. 4/30/2011. "Douglas Harper is a historian, author, journalist and lecturer based in Lancaster, Pa." Harper also provides a list of his sources, more information on his biography and overall "checks out."

[2] http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=authority 4/30/2011

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid. Supposedly this comes from the French!

Rejoicing?

2011-05-01T23:37:00.000-05:00

Facebook is lit up with the news of Osama Bin Laden's death. The news shows US Americans cheering, singing, and shouting in joy about his death.
I am sickened by our response.

I remember the outcries and the pain that came from watching videos of Al Queda's people cheering with joy at our pain and the loss of US Americans' lives on Sept. 11th. I can't help but think about how our cries mimic theirs. Both filled with hate and anguish, pain and punishment, revenge and terror. Truly we are not so different.

Do we really believe this will be the end of Al Queda? Do we really believe that this will somehow end the hate of the terrorists? Do we really believe that we in the USA are now safer?

Even if his death somehow made us safer, our response that will be broadcast across the globe will not. Won't the world wonder how we can cheer at the death of another human being? Yes, Osama Bin Laden was an evil and horrible man but shall we cheer his death?

Someone I love dearly is somewhere in the Middle East right now. She is there with many other men and women soldiers putting their lives on the line. I'm more worried about her and the rest of them now than I have been for months.

It doesn't take a long view of history, nor a long study of human behavior to know that killing the leader of a movement or gang or terrorist cell does not mean the death of the organization. Often enough it makes the movement, gang, or terrorist cell stronger and angrier, more violent than ever.

I don't know what the solution is. I know enough to realize that if we ever caught Osama Bin Laden he wasn't going to make it out alive. I'm not even sure he should have made it out alive. I'm not sure he didn't "deserve" his death. However, I am sure that rejoicing in another's death, especially as a nation, is dangerous business. I am sure that rejoicing in hate and violence will only stir up and bring more hate and violence upon us.

I do understand how those personally effected by the Al Queda terrorist attacks might feel like rejoicing. Their pain is huge and understandable. Osama Bin Laden is the face that they have blamed for these many years, he was a murderous bastard. I get their anger and their relief that he is finally dead but the dancing in the streets, the cries of joy?

My mind keeps wondering back to the cross. Jesus forgave his enemies while he was at the cross. Those same enemies that nailed his hands into the same cross. He forgave them. 2000 years later, have we learned anything? Have we understood it yet?

Language

2011-04-26T21:03:00.000-05:00

I picked up a book, The Incredible Woman: Listening to Women's Silences in Pastoral Care and Counseling, to add to my CPE bibliography (that and our final is due on May 9) and get all the required number of pages read. I've just read the first chapters which have a lot to do with language for God. The thing that kills me is that despite the book being published in 1996, this issue--language for God--is still a major issue in most churches. I know it's huge in my churches--if I were to use Mother God, Holy Mother, or heaven forbid, Goddess, I'd probably get kicked out of my pulpit. Seriously!
I try to use non-gendered language for God because I believe it is faithful to a bigger image of God, it is faithful to the reality of God. In the first few months of being here I had a conversation with someone about this. The person pleaded with me not to repeat his thought that perhaps, just perhaps, the Holy Spirit was feminine. He was ashamed to even think such a thing! I went on to ask him if he seriously thought it was important that God had a penis. His response was yes! I was blown away. A bit later during a women's Bible study, I breached the subject of God language again. Once more I was surprised by the resistance. Perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised but I was.

As I continued to read and my frustration mounted that this is still a tremendous issue I was also frustrated by myself. In three years, I've broached the subject twice. That's it. No wonder the issue hasn't changed...if I'm not willing to risk educating the people in my churches, then how can I expect anyone else to do so in theirs?

Our newsletter is due out tomorrow...so do I make God language the focus of my pastoral letter? i wish I could just whole heartedly jump in and say yes. But our little corner of the world is the most conservative place I've ever lived. The newsletter is there in black and white. I'm not sure it would be the best way to go about it. There's no (or little) opportunity for feedback and questions. I do believe that this is best done when in a relational kind of class,study, conversation. So there, I just talked myself out of the newsletter but I'm not letting myself off the hook. Mother's Day is just around the corner and that is a perfect opportunity to bring it up.

What do you do in your setting?

PS...I'm thrilled to watch Christina Aquilera on The Voice!

New Life for the Blog

2011-04-25T18:04:00.000-05:00

I've been reading "Life From Scratch" by Melissa Ford. It's a great read and has rekindled my desire to blog.

Last week I was considering completely taking down the blog. I've been a bad blogger for a long time, nearly three years! This was supposed to chronicle my journey from seminary to rural ministry but it's been hit and miss. It's understandable, life is busy and I was burned pretty badly by the unnamed small town in Kansas' response to my seminary blog. The scars from that incident serve as reminders to beware of what I post online. In no way is this an anonymous blog and so I must be a bit guarded.

Life From Scratch has reminded me how powerful and wonderful it is to connect with others, to have a place for your voice to be heard (no matter how small the "readership"). I miss the conversations and connections I've had with other bloggers...especially other Rev Gals.

So, today, the day after celebrating the Resurrection and new life, I promise myself to renew my blog, to give new life to my voice.

May 9th is the final day of Clinical Pastoral Education. May 11th is the final day of our preaching group (although I do hope to renew that group this fall). Life will get "freed up" just a bit and then I will be running off to the Festival of Homiletics--hooray! I'm unrealistically hoping this will give me some extra time and freedom. The reality though is that I simply need to make time for me to write--on and off the blog.

still a writer?

2011-04-04T07:48:00.000-05:00

i've struggled to write for at least the past 2 years, probably longer. for a while i was sure that i was a writer and that it was in my blood. however, since i've been in full-time ministry it's become the most difficult thing i do.

even the daily devos that i write and email to the congregation has moved from each email being written by myself to me "assembling them" with favorite quotes and the like. i actually think that is a postive, as the emails offer a broader scope of theology and Christianity.

but i wonder what is going on? what do i need to do to find that spark that ignites my creativity? i wish i could say my creativity has simply found other outlets but that's not the case either. i don't feel depressed. is this simply a lack of discipline?

how about you? thoughts? suggestions?

RevGal Friday 5: Good Things Edition

2011-04-01T10:42:00.000-05:00

Kathrynzj writes, "So for today I am asking for five quick picks of things that are good in your life. And as a bonus, 1 pick for a thing you could do without."

5 good things I'm thankful for are:

My family--Joel, Merkin, Valerie, and Ainsley and I are crazy nerds that fight and fuss but together we can face whatever life throws at us. They fill my life with joy and insanity and I couldn't be happier that they are mine!
Fabulous friends--this past week I was blessed to spend time with some wonderful women with whom I attended seminary. I realized how much I need these women and other equally fabulous women in my life to keep my grounded and reminded of who I am.
Fridays--Fridays are supposed to be my day off, my Sabbath. Often I find myself working on Fridays, especially ones that come right after being gone for a week! Yet, even when I find myself working, it's on my schedule and I do so feeling relaxed and not stressed out (at least this Friday!).
Zumba--it's a fun way to get some exercise and a step in the right direction for my health.
Confirmation Class--I love my confirmation class. It's full of excitement and great discussions. I love the interactions of the youth and their mentors. It's refreshing and reminds me of what fuels my faith.

1 thing I could do without is shame. What would one day free from shame feel like? Not feeling any shame, not shaming anyone else...shame is one thing I (and probably everyone else) could do without.

Wade in the Water--UMC Southern Jurisdictional Clergy Women's Conference

2011-02-08T08:03:00.000-06:00

I just made my flight reservations and completed my online registration! If there are any RevGals going it'd be great to have a mini-meet up!

I've never been to New Orleans and I'll be rooming with one of my favorite women in the whole world--possibly 2 of them!

I need to double check but I think there is even a Tennessee Williams festival going on that week! I can hardly wait!

RevGal Friday 5: Ministry Perks

2011-02-04T08:19:00.001-06:00

kathrynzj asks "What are the perks of ministry for you?" Thanks for asking kathrynzj!

My 5 favorite perks of ministry

We only work 1 day a week! Right?!?!? Ok, so maybe not but our hours are flexible which can be both the best and worst of worlds. Given the snowpacalypse of this week, I'm feeling very grateful for this perk.
We get to ask and wrestle with the "big questions"--that is actually our job! I LOVE this!
We are invited into the holy moments of people's lives.
Reading is a job requirement!
Creativity counts--sometimes I forget this and get stuck in my personal ruts and/or the ruts of my churches but then there are days in which I remember that my job is to help others ask the big questions, invite others into holy moments and holy lives, work for the Kingdom (justice and peace), and walk with people in this journey to God--wow! It's freeing and I remember that creativity, like reading, is a job requirement! How cool is that?

Update

2011-01-31T15:48:00.000-06:00

It turns out that I am magic! My unicorn horn has been deemed an insignificant benign osteoma. I deny that my horn in insignificant and is definately magical!

It was a relief to find that it's nothing to worry about. I did find out that I have chronic sinuitis and am on some crazy antibiotic that they also give to people who've been exposed to anthrax! It's tearing up my stomach so perhaps I'll lose some weight while I'm on it these next two weeks.

Thanks for your support through all of this!

Ramblings on Shane C., my call, and CHURCH

2011-01-25T07:28:00.000-06:00

This weekend I was honored to listen to Shane Claiborne talk about his life, grace, reconciliation, and God's radical love. The thing about Shane is that he lives what he says he believes. This is something that puts a lump in my throat.

While we were at the conference, I said to Merkin "This is stuff that will get me kicked out of church if I speak it on Sunday" (only partly in jest). The more Shane spoke the more I wondered if the corporate church can be the CHURCH in a radical way, in a Jesus way, in a living out loud sort of way. As much as I want to say yes, I'm not sure it's possible.

I can't quote precisely, nor confidently say this came from Bonhoeffer but he supposedly said that pastors/preachers cannot depend on the church for their income--it's too compromising. I know this to be true for myself. What I long to say, I hold back out of fear. Sometimes it's fear of being written off, sometimes its fear of hurting someone else, sometimes its fear that it will get me kicked out of the church.

I've been struggling lately with my call. I'm questioning if I can be, should be an ordained pastor in the UMC. I'm wondering if I should even be a pastor in any denomination unless I'm preaching as a weekend gig, where I'm earning money building tents or something during the week.

This weekend wasn't much help. Yet, I do believe that if we don't have anyone inside the church calling us to task, calling us to be accountable to Christ Jesus then there is no way the church will be CHURCH. I do want to be that person/preacher/christian!

I'm grateful that I'm not preaching this weekend. It gives me time to think. Before going to WOW I was planning a sermon series using Adam Hamilton's Enough. I think I'll be adding some radical Shane to it and ask some of these questions to the church. How else can we be the CHURCH? Gotta start somewhere!

RevGal Friday 5: Books!

2011-01-21T09:08:00.000-06:00

Jan writes, So tell us what you're reading, what you would and would not recommend--five books or authors!

I would highly recommend:

Toni Morrison--anything written by Ms. Morrison is fantastically lyrical, inspiring, and thought provoking. The Bluest Eye and Beloved are two that come immediately to mind. Currently, Burn this Book is on my Kindle waiting to be read. It's next in line after Annie Dillard's The Writing Life.

2. Debbie Blue is co-pastor at House of Mercy in St. Paul, MN. Her writing and preaching is earthy, honest, and irresistible! Her two published books are Sensual Orthodoxy and From Stone to Living Word--don't miss either! I hope she has another coming out soon!

3. Joyce Rupp--I feel as though I'm indulging in those folks you already know but just this morning I was thinking about how it was time to read and journal through Cup of Life again. It is one of the few books that I've worked through the entire thing and surely its the only one I enjoyed and want to do over! It was and continues to be very helpful to my spiritual development. Now, can I find my copy, or have I given it to someone else and it's not been returned, do I need another copy?

4, This one sort of feels like cheating, she's a professor at Saint Paul School of Theology and is an amazing woman, teacher, writer, and human being. Thus far she's only published one book but I look forward to reading more and I'm sure she's published many journal articles, just keep your eyes and ears open and when you read or hear her name pay attention! Oh yes, her name is Dr. Rev. Angela D. Sims!

5. Just for fun (I need to add one of her books to my reading list!) is Sharan Newman for her Catherine Levendeur Mysteries! These are so much fun to read! To be honest I had no idea she wrote anything else but after visiting her website I'll have to more thoroughly check her out!

Currently reading (on my new Kindle!):

Enough: Discovering Joy Through Simplicity by Adam Hamilton
The Writing Life by Annie Dillard
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
Fearless Confessions: A Writer's Guide to Memoir by Sue Silverman
The Greatest Prayer: Rediscovering the Revolutionary Message of the Lord's Prayer
The Woman's Bible by Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Biblical Interpretation: A Roadmap by Frederick C. Tiffany and Sharon H. Ringe

Who Wouldn't I Recommend? Honestly I can't think of many. I certainly have authors and books I don't like---the awful Twilight series (really? ick!) and there is one author I read in seminary that I have tried to erase from my mind but it was powerful reading this idiot because I learned a lot about the scary theology some folks have. I'll have to pass on bagging on any books or authors other than Twilight and the nameless idiot. I figure that he's not worthy of gracing my blog and well, the woman who wrote Twilight--she can take it with all of the millions she's surely raking in. This was great fun, thanks Jan!

Festival of Homies

2011-01-20T11:56:00.000-06:00

I'm excited to report that I just registered for the Festival of Homiletics! I've wanted to attend for a few years but timing and finances didn't seem to work. However, when I saw it was going to be in Minneapolis I had to find a way to go! I LOVE Minneapolis and if I go a day early I can visit House of Mercy--the church Rev. Debbie Blue helped to start and with any luck she'll be preaching that Sunday!

I'm not sure if I'll drive or fly (anyone feel like a roadtrip?). I'm hoping to find a roomie, so if you're interested please email me. It'd be great to have a RevGal meet-up at the Festival of Homies. I know they've had some in the past and hope there will be another this year.

Results

2011-01-15T17:22:00.000-06:00

Sometimes the doctoring process makes me want to scream! The MRI showed 2 things...I have chronic sinuitis which is causing the headaches and that I have a 7mm "coritcal(?) growth on my frontal bone of my skull. DUH! That's why I went in for the MRI! Apparently the MRI doesn't read bone so well and now I have to get a CT scan of my head.

The good news is that "It's not a tumor!" I didn't think it was. The doctor never mentioned that either.

Thanks for all of your prayers and wonderful support. I truly appreciate it. It'll be a while before I know anything else as I probably won't get the Ct scan until Friday and then results the following week. At least I know it's not urgent or really worrisome! When I was pregnant one of the most frustrating things the doctors would say is "oh, sometimes that happens" and now I'm hoping to hear those same words. I'm confident I will.

RevGal F5: Time to Get Up

2011-01-14T08:39:00.000-06:00

SingingOwl writes,

Where I am it is dark, and it is cold, and it is snowing. I really wanted to stay in bed with the electric blanket cranked this morning. Share five things that made getting out of bed worthwhile for you today!

Well, SingingOwl, you've made an especially difficult F5! But I'm going to try to play along!

Hopefully, I will get my MRI results today. Hopefully, I will hear something like "Oh, sometimes this happens and there's nothing you need to worry about." or "Wow! I now believe that unicorns are real!" please see Snow Day 2 for further explanation
One last swig of Creme Brule creamer for one cup o' joe.
End of Year reports....oh wait, that makes me want to go back to bed and hide until January is over!
My Kindle....I can't wait to read The Centurian's Wife, Things Fall Apart, The Greatest Prayer, Biblical Interpretation--A Road Map, The Woman's Bible (by Elizabeth Cady Stanton), and many others. I love the Kindle because I like to switch between books all the time and it's so much easier with the Kindle than lugging 2 or 3 or more books in my bag! I hate to admit it but it's more screen time and somehow that is helpful/appealing/strangely comforting (egads! what's happened to me?!?!). I was thrilled to find The Centurian's Wife for free on Amazon because one of our little old ladies LOVES this book and has been after me to read it for at least 2 years and now I finally am! I can't wait to go and visit her to let her know! Thus far it's a fun read.
To see my family off to school. I have an overnight at Heartland (CPE duty) tonight so if I wanted hugs from my girls and a kiss from my hubby I'd have to get them this morning or wait until tomorrow morning as I'll have to leave prior to their coming home. (wahwah)

Bonus: It's RevGal Friday 5! It's a new year and I'm determined to get back to writing and RevGal Friday 5s are great helps!

Too good not to share...from Inward/Outward a Project of Church of the Saviour

2011-01-14T07:11:00.000-06:00

God Says Yes to Me

by Kaylin Haught

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

I did it!

2011-01-13T12:03:00.002-06:00

Thanks to some valium and my friend, Susan, I did it! The MRI is over and now we wait to hear from the doc. Whew!

Thanks for your sweet thoughts, prayers, and support!

Clausterphobic

2011-01-12T11:24:00.000-06:00

I found out that I am clausterphobic yesterday. As the technician covered my eyes, stopped up my ears, padded my head so I couldn't move, my heart began to race. As I slid into the MRI machine I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I was freaking out and squeezed the bulb in my hand. He was kind, patiently talked with me but I wasn't going back in. He sent me to the hospital where they have a larger machine--perhaps if it wasn't such a tight fit I'd be okay. She walked me back and let me just lie down and go into the machine to see if that would make a difference. It didn't.

I've never experienced anything like that before. I'm the girl that just sucks it up and moves on. I didn't. I called the doctor and asked for some valium. I'm going back in tomorrow morning, prepped with valium. I pray it works. I feel like a nut. It's a tiny block of time--less than an hour. It freaks me out just thinking about it. I've never taken valium before, I hope it knocks me out or at least makes me not care about the procedure.

It's just an hour, I can do anything for an hour. Right? I hope. I need to hear that this stupid bump is no big deal so I can stop worrying and my headaches will go away. The headaches started when I began to worry, not while the bump was growing so they're definately pyschosomatic.

The simple fact is that unicorns are real and I must have touched one once and had some of that magic imparted to me.

The girls have a half day--perhaps this afternoon we should watch The Last Unicorn, I've always loved that show.

Snow Day #2

2011-01-11T09:29:00.000-06:00

It finally arrived and now we have 2 snow days! Hopefully not 3--there is a limit to how much family togetherness we can take without verbally, emotionally, or physically harming one another!

Don't get me wrong, I love my girls. I love my husband. I love my mother. I love my mother and father in-law. No, we're not like Charlie Bucket's family in which both sets of grandparents lived with them (and shared a huge bed!). Our parents live far from us. This weekend both sets came to visit. It's been great, yesterday we played Hand and Foot for at least 6 hours (enjoyed until the last 2 rounds). We've watched a movie or two, cooked many meals together, and overall had a great time. But it's been longer than 3 days, today makes day 5. It's smelling a bit fishy around here!

Thankfully this afternoon I have to get out of the house--I'm getting an MRI. It's probably nothing but my doctor wants to be sure. See, I have a "unicorn bump." For the past 7 years, or so, I've entertained the kids' friends by telling them I'm part unicorn and the proof was when they felt my forehead--there's a rigid notch like the nub of a unicorn horn that's just beginning to sprout. It's hard, like bone, otherwise I probably would have gone to the doctor earlier and asked about it. It never hurt nor caused any disturbances. But a few weeks ago as we ate dinner, Valerie said, "Mom, I can SEE your unicorn horn!" She was right, it's grown. Before you couldn't see it, only feel it. Now that it's visible and potentially embarrassing I went to the doc. After a few laughs about my unicorn bump she suggested an MRI.

Ever since I noticed it had grown I've been having headaches--I'm fairly certain it's psychosomatic. Perhaps I really am part unicorn. One never truly knows. Hopefully, the MRI will tell us something so I can quit with the psychotic headaches!

We haven't heard from my in-laws today, FiL was ready to hit the road last night but MiL was prepared to stay until the roads are safe. I think I'd like to have one more round of Hand and Foot so I could hopefully redeem myself from yesterday's game. Hopefully, tomorrow everyone will be back to school, work, and driving home safely.

RevGal Friday 5: Pie-ola!!!

2010-11-26T11:07:00.000-06:00

Songbird asked these five questions about pie:

1) Are pies an important part of a holiday meal?

Absolutely! It's about the only time (other than Ainsley's birthday as she hates cake!) we eat pie!

2) Men prefer pie; women prefer cake. Discuss.
Never heard that one before...I prefer not to make generalizations based on sex regarding cake and pie.

3) Cherries--do they belong in a pie?
In a cherry pie, of course!

4) Meringue--if you have to choose, is it best on lemon or chocolate?
LEMON! I LOVE lemon mergingue! LOVE it!

5) In a chicken pie, what are the most compatible vegetables? Anything you don't like to find in a chicken pie?
Compatible--carrots, & peas (my family would highly disagree)
NEVER appropriate--lima beans! ICK!

RevGal Friday 5: Unexpected Thanks

2010-11-19T08:18:00.002-06:00

Jan writes:

With the American holiday of Thanksgiving being less than a week away, I tried to think of some questions for Friday Five that could be connected to this, but in a new way. So here is my one try:

Name five things that were unexpected in your life that you are now grateful for.

Merkin & Ainsley were complete surprises and I can't imagine my life without them! Valerie was hoped for and planned and I'm just as grateful for her (can't mention just one of my girls!)!
CPE & the preaching group I've been "ordered/suggested" to take by the conference ordination board. It was terribly hurtful in the way they instructed me to take CPE and the "preaching coach" (have you ever heard of such a thing? my DS hadn't!) but CPE & the preaching group my DS helped to get started so I could have a "preaching coach" have been very helpful to my personal and professional development as a human being and as a pastor.
Getting moved to Northwest Missouri and pastoring 2 small churches--one of which is literally in a cornfield!
Attending the Putting It On Paper writer's workshop at the Collegeville Institute for Ecumenical and Cultural Research and having it completely paid for by the Lily Foundation. It was a dream come true and even better than what I had envisioned!
My call to ministry--neither myself nor anyone I know of would have imagined that I'd grow up and become a minister! I'm grateful for this tremendous surprise as it has been a wonderful blessing in my and my family's lives!

Lastly, a big "Thank You!" to Jan for a fabulous Friday 5!

Oh and be sure to check out Holiday Dinner at Work of the People!
(sorry, I tried to post the video here but I couldn't get it to work)

A Conundrum of Preaching

2010-11-14T20:47:00.000-06:00

Preaching is a mystery to me. I've been blessed to find that I actually enjoy it. In the beginning it was terrifying, truly terrifying to me. Now that I've come to enjoy it I've discovered (developed?) a bit of a conundrum.

It seems that those days in which I leave the pulpit feeling distraught and frustrated because I had been vague, speaking in platitudes, missing the meat of what I needed to say...those days are ones in which folks tell me after the service it was nice and they enjoyed it and even a few folks will come up days later and tell me how much that sermon meant to them or spoke to them. Then there are days like today in which I felt as those I spoke the Gospel, that the Holy Spirit was with me and I came close to saying what was placed before me and everyone in the church looks at me with dead eyes, Joel says I couldn't follow you, I couldn't pay attention and yet I feel like I've actually preached or said something meaningful.

On one hand I am grateful that I never know how my sermons are received, that their reception rarely matching my experience of the delivery because then I am reminded that preaching is not about me. Not really, that it is about God using that space, that time for more than what I can know or understand.

That said, it still leaves me confused and unsure of what I should do. How am I to preach? Am I to preach the stuff that makes people feel good and keeps them pleased or do I preach in the ways that feel like good preaching to me? I preach from my heart either/both ways and I can't say they are opposite things. But some days it feels as though there are these 2 different ways/approaches to preaching and that neither are fully satisfying, at least neither satisfy both parties.

Please drop me a line in the comments or via email because I'm very interested in hearing others' thoughts and experiences about preaching. Perhaps this is a stage of growth and as I develop further they will come closer to being one and the same.

RevGal Friday Friday: Winter's on it's way

2010-11-12T09:10:00.000-06:00

Singing Owl asks: When it is cold outside:

1. What is your favorite movie for watching when curled up under a wooly blanket?
Depends on who's curled up with me...if it's my eldest it will be something scary; if it's my youngest it will be something silly; if it's my middlest it will be something short as she's most like her father and he doesn't care too much for movies. All that said, if it was cold and dreary right now I (and my eldest and middlest) would settle in for a Harry Potter marathon! Oh, why do we have to have such a busy weekend?

2. Likewise, what book?
Given the "now" it would be HP & The Deathly Hallows, otherwise you'd probably find our entire family sitting around reading To Kill A Mockingbird to one another. We started it on our last road trip--added an extra 1.5 hours to our trip cuz I was more absorbed in listening to the book than in taking the correct turn. Unbelievably, we've not sat down and finished it--however, I think the girls have eached finished it on their own.

3. What foods do you tend to cook/eat when it gets cold?
Chili and cornbread, veggetable soup, cheesey potato-broccoli soup...I see a theme here.
4. What do you like to do if you get a "snow day" (or if you don't get snow days, what if you did)?
Taking pictures of the snow and the girls as they play in it, drink hot chocolate, warm up under some blankets and fall asleep while watching a movie with the girls. Or if it's an "ice day" (which we are more likely to have) cooking something yummy with the girls, playing Wii, watching movies, playing a board game.
5. Do you like winter sports or outdoor activities, or are you more likely to be inside playing a board game? Do you have a favorite (indoors or out)?
I like winter sports and outdoor activities but I find I spend less time than I used to outside when it's really cold. It's been 4 years since I've actually gone sledding with the girls--sounds like it's time to do so again! I love taking winter pictures (which of course are not on this computer so I can't share for now).

Hello Stranger!

2010-11-06T22:19:00.000-05:00

Hello!

It's been quite a while, 4 weeks since I had my carpal tunnel surgery and I guess it's about time I start typing with my right hand again. I'm still recovering, at 2.5 weeks the dr. released me (he was going on vacation) and told me to start using my hand. Unfortunately, I used it a bit much and split the area open--OUCH! It's not healing quite the way it should be but it is slowly getting better. I'm ready to be healed and using my hand freely. Yes, I am a huge whiner!

CPE has been very good. During my first overnight at the hospital there were 3 deaths, 4 code alerts, and 2 calls from families that wanted to talk with a chaplain. I took my first break at 3am (I started at 4:30pm). It was insane and it took me several days to recover from the lack of sleep. The powers that be assure me that my first night was not the norm. I hope that when I go in this coming Friday night things will be much slower!

I hope to be back and blogging a bit more regularly.
Peace out!

Vacation

2010-10-04T21:40:00.000-05:00

Whew! It's been a long time since I've blogged!

Now that I'm on "vacation" it seems appropriate that I spend some time here. It's been a long day!

Last night we returned from a weekend at "home" (Manitou Springs) with most of our family. It was great except now I have the itch to return. For the past few years I've been fine with living in MO but Joel and I were both a mess of tears because we didn't want to leave.

I came up with a plan for our return but I'm hesitant to get to far ahead of myself since our last "plan" to move was squashed by God being such a prankster and inviting me into ministry. I'm hesitant to see what God has in mind next! Even if God approves of my plan it will be sometime before we can put it into effect. For now, I'll check out Iliff's Dmin and PhD programs for fun. I've got a few things to finish up in MO before jumping that hurdle.

Today was my first chance to shadow at the hospital. My first death there. I was surprised by how much it resembled the role play we did last week.

I really enjoy my time at the hospital. It's crazy and hectic but it's very satisfying...gratifying. I'm actually finding myself feeling thankful to the board or ordained ministry for my rejection and suggestion/requirement of taking a unit of CPE. Yep, I said grateful. I can barely eek out grateful but there it is. I am grateful to be in CPE--that is absolutely true even if I can't quite say thanks to the boom!

21

2010-08-31T23:05:00.000-05:00

21 years ago today I gave birth to a little boy named Christopher Thomas. Christopher never took a breath outside of my womb but I miss him just the same. He lived and grew within me for 6 months. Even though I was 16 and scared to death I loved him, was in love with him from early on. Laughing when he first had the hiccups and then thinking he would become a kick-boxer or soccer player the way he moved all the time.

Christopher would be 21 this year. Had he been healthy and born on time I would likely still be in mourning today, wondering what he'd be like, if he went to college or had a special someone. We planned to give him to a wonderful family who would love and take care of him better than a 16 year old girl and boyfriend who'd probably not last another year together, let alone be good parents. He was never going to be mine. But he's always been mine, he's always been near.

I used to get glimpses of him as a 5 year old boy, dark hair, brown eyes and onry as the dickens. Then a few years back while celebrating one of my friends' son's 15th birthday it hit me that he was the same age as Christopher would have been. A skater boy, dark shaggy hair, deep brown eyes. This Sunday on the way to church it hit me that Christopher would be 21 this year. It's hard to imagine me with a 21 year old son. Yet, it doesn't seem so scary now. He'd be a young man, hopefully near finishing his college degree. Philosophy? Science? Pre-med even? Or maybe religious studies...like his mom.

This has been a hard birthday. I've been a mess since Sunday. Thankfully I have an especially wonderful husband and sister. My sister, Amanda, drove 3 hours this morning to be with me. She knew I was in pain. Unfortunatley she knows my pain as she lost her first daughter just 6 weeks after she was born. Today we cried we laughed. We loved our dead children.

Yesterday was Merkin's birthday, today Christopher's, and Friday will be mine. Most years aren't this rough. The freshness of the pain ebbs and flows in no particular pattern or rhythm.

Happy Birthday Christopher, I've always loved you and I always will.

Merkin's Birth-day--Happy Birthday Merkin!

2010-08-30T10:41:00.000-05:00

Today is a wonderful and beautiful day, my Merkin's 15th birthday! It's hard to believe that 15 years ago today she was born.

I had been in labor for nearly 24 hours. For the most part it was a pretty good 24 hours. Phil (my father-in-law) still talks about it as the party room. I was 23 and thrilled to meet my little girl. My roommate Jenn and my best-friend Valerie took care of me the whole time. We began with helium balloons and music playing, more friends and family dropping in to say hello.

Joel (then a friend) dropped in to check on us. He sat there reading the chart paper telling me when I was having a contraction and how big it was. I laughed because in the birthing class they warned the dads not to get absorbed in the machines, "That's exactly what they said the dad's would do!" It seemed hilarious at the time--if we had only known!

Of course, about 12 hours in the hours got longer and the pain began to kick in. I tried to be good, to avoid the drugs. Valerie helped me in and out of the whirpool. She tried to help me breathe but Jenn had been the one to go through the birthing classes with me. Valerie's breathing annoyed me but with Jenn all I had to do was look at her face and everything calmed down.

Life is funny...15 years ago I never dreamt that I'd be married to Joel with 2 other wonderful girls, a pastor and living in a small Missouri town. God is hilarious and I'm so thankful!

RevGal Friday 5: Dorm Life Edition

2010-08-27T08:40:00.001-05:00

1) What was the hardest thing to leave behind when you went away to school for the first time?
The city. I went from a large town/city (Colorado Springs) to a small rural town (Durango, CO) in the mountains. For the most part I grew up in small rural towns but I had fallen in love with city life (don't laugh--the Springs was city-life to me!).

My mom and I moved around a lot. I went to 3 high schools in 4 years so there wasn't much to tie me down to any of them, nor the towns we had lived in. I was excited and ready for college (so I thought).

2) We live in the era of helicopter parents. How much fuss did your parents make when you first left home?
Not much. It wasn't a big deal leaving home-- at the end of my junior year my mom moved to Colorado and left me in Manhattan, KS to complete the last few weeks/month of school. Then my senior year she moved at semester to another town (she found some crazy old lady and her yappy little dog to live with and "watch over" me--not cool, not cool!). So my momma left home before I did--twice! No fuss there!

3) Share a favorite memory of living with schoolmates, whether in a dorm or other shared housing.

This was one of my favorite memories...KT, Megan, Katey (taking the photo), & I being total goofballs and doing the cliche girly thing--facials! I think we danced around in our masks and everything. We weren't sure if the mask cream was supposed to go on our lips or not. Does that make Megan the smart one?

At finals Katey and I had a horrendous fight after watching New Jack City. 2 white girls in southwestern CO having an emotional knock-down over poverty, gangs, and racism. Katey was from a wealthy family in Denver and let's just say I lived closer to the poverty line. I ended up walking out and to Joel's apt. in my jammies, late at night, and with at least a foot of snow on the floor. She called her dad, crying, saying that she was literally afraid that I might kill her. It never occurred to me until I heard about that!

The funny thing is that it was Katey's parents who helped me make it through college--they helped me pay for housing, bought me a car and kept it repaired, they adopted me and took me in. Dave (her dad) grew up with a single mom (back when that wasn't ok at all) and wanted to help out because he knew how hard that road was. Katey became one of my best friends and Merkin's "fairy god-mother." Life is funny and wonderful. Thank you Dave, I love and miss you! Thank you Dave and Mary and Katey and Andy!

4) What absolute necessity of college life in your day would seem hilariously out-of-date now?
Word-processor!

5) What innovation of today do you wish had been part of your life in college?
Laptop computer of course! Without internet--Facebook would have ruined my life!

Bonus question for those whose college days feel like a long time ago: Share a rule or regulation that will seem funny now. Did you really follow it then? I've never paid much attention to the rules. ;)

Jesus Camp

2010-08-22T22:50:00.000-05:00

As I type I'm watching the documentary, Jesus Camp, with my eldest daughter Merkin. I am keenly aware that I live in the Bible Belt. Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church is in our backyard and the folks of Jesus Camp are here as well.

I would love to watch a follow-up to Jesus Camp and see what those kids are doing now. It was rather spooky for me as I attended a few camps that didn't look so very different. The biggest difference I noted was that everyone at Jesus Camp spoke in tongues while only a few kids at the camps I attended did.

Another difference is that the Jesus Camp kids were allowed to listen to Christian rock. I still remember one of our pastors telling us "Those same drum beats in those Christian bands are the same drum beats of those pagans in Africa." He told us that one of the African men he saved asked him why their native music was evil when those same drums and rhythms were in the music he listened to at the church. When I got home that summer I took all of my records and tapes and through them in the trash--I wasn't going to listen to devil music anymore.

My junior year of high school, a friend came back from his church camp ready to pitch all his music too. I told him that I'd hold on to his tapes, because in a few months he'd wish he had them back.

Each time I came back from camp, I'd throw away music and books that I discovered were "of the devil." I began to believe that I was the rocky ground which good seed was wasted--that it would begin to take root but soon the weeds and rocky soil would choke out the good plant growing and it'd go back to waste.

I came home and tried to save all my friends. I remember praying with one of them that special 6 word prayer that I believed protected us from hell--"Jesus, please come into my heart." I knew that if the words weren't just right (please forgive me if I've screwed them up here) it wouldn't work--Jesus wouldn't listen.

I remember tears rolling down my face knowing that I was a hypocrite and luke-warm--I was something God would rather spit out than keep in his mouth. As we watched the kids on Jesus camp cry for forgiveness I knew that feeling. Out of all of the movie it is that which drives me most crazy--the guilt and shame inflicted upon these kids. Where is the love of Christ? The love Christ has for us?

As we watched (it's now over), Merkin would shoot me a quizzical look. Did I agree with what they were doing? Saying? More often than not I understood and I could agree with many of the words but I couldn't go along with the "spirit" presented. There is something violent about it all, its teaming with anger and rage. I certainly understand the passion, perhaps even some of the reasoning, and ideas but that undercurrent brimming with rage and getting flattened by platitudes is disturbing.

Watching Ted Haggard talk with the young boy, I wondered if Ted was sizing the boy up not as a future pastor but as a plaything. I want to know how those folks responded to Ted's scandal. I don't think that was the hypocrisy they wanted the kids to admit.

dew drops & spiderwebs

2010-08-21T19:29:00.002-05:00

Withdrawl

2010-08-17T08:28:00.000-05:00

I've been struggling with depression for much of my summer. I've withdrawn from blogging--reading and writing. I've withdrawn from friends and the general pursuit of simply enjoying life and having fun. I've been a less-than-stellar pastor (to say the least). I've been an uber grumpy mother. I've not been good.

I confess this here because I can't do so anywhere else. While this blog is not private, it's also not well-read, so I'm not overly concerned. Additionally, I know that I'm not alone in struggling with depression. I don't need to be ashamed.

So, today I promise, to and for myself, that I will call and make an appointment with a shrink--hopefully through my health insurance. Something has got to change. Today is the first step.

This is the day

2010-08-09T08:03:00.000-05:00

This is the day.

This is the day that our life truly begins anew. Each day offers ample opportunity for renewal, redemption, and rededication. This is our family's day.

It's Monday morning and there is no crying as my girls wave their daddy off to work. Instead, an early morning argument between mother and teenage daughter. The house is now quiet with a sleeping spouse and sleeping daughters. No early morning tears. No early morning rush scuttlebutting Joel out the door and on the road. No early morning Monday morose.

This is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it!

I write like James Joyce?

2010-08-02T22:56:00.003-05:00

Over at Quantum Theology I followed this interesting link. Supposedly, Margaret Atwood put her info in the application and found that she wrote like Stephen King. After recently reading his book, On Writing, I'd find that more a compliment than previously thought.

I write like
James Joyce

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

James Joyce is pretty high praise. I didn't expect that at all. I don't know what or how the application works. An interesting little toy nonetheless.

more blogging than i thought

2010-08-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

it appears that i will be able to do more blogging than i first thought. there were some blips on my ekg that need to get further checked out before i'm cleared for surgery on friday. no big whoop but the anethesiologist wants to be sure.

the good news is that i'll be able to use my right hand a while longer.

thank you for your support and prayers!

2010-08-02T00:13:00.000-05:00

I've been a bad blogger. I've been pondering taking down the blog permenantly. I rarely post these days and haven't even been in the blogosphere much at all.

As someone told me last week that they wished I'd finally get my stuff together, it hit hard. I feel the same way. I want to have my stuff together. Some days it feels as though for the past two years all I've offered is excuses and apologies for not being on time, forgetting appointments, not making enough pastoral visits,not being in the office, having crappy sermons, etc. It's not just for the church either, it's friends and family. I've been a half-ass pastor and parent and wife and friend and sister.

I've avoided blogging and the blogosphere in hopes of not being distracted, of getting focused. But as I went to visit the RevGals for a final time, before closing my blog, i saw this picture:

I recognized my foot. I also realized how this circle of friends has made my life and ministry better. Blogging and the blogosphere has not merely been a distraction. Blogging and the blogosphere have helped me to be a better pastor and mother. Blogging and the blogosphere have encouraged me, supported me, and held me up when I felt the most alone.

Thank you blogosphere! Thank you RevGals!

I'm not giving up just yet. I'm slotted for surgery on Friday--carpal tunnel release. I'm ready for relief but I'm freaking out about surgery (and I won't even be put under!). Even more than the surgery I'm wigging out about not using my right hand for the next 4 weeks. Obviously I won't be blogging for a while as I can't imagine typing solo with my left hand.

Life is getting ready for another big upheaval--Joel is moving in with us full-time. He's going to be a teacher's aid at the school in town. We are thrilled but now that we have somone renting the house and Joel's last day will be Thursday, I'm having a difficult time. I'm scared of our new reality. We're going back to being broke after 2 years of being pretty flush.

Life is changing fast. For the good, don't get me wrong, it's wodnerful and I'm hopeful that with him being around I'll be more capable of getting my stuff together. But change is hard...no matter what--good stress is still stress.

Thanks to all of the RevGals! I'm checking out for a bit longer but I am grateful for your friendships and support. Thank you!

Hosea?

2010-07-18T19:10:00.000-05:00

We've been following the Colossians lectionary texts the past 2 weeks. Initially, I'd planned on going through the entire book of Colossians but as I peeked at the lectionary today the Hosea passage caught my eye. I'm just not sure how I could use whore in worship. We have plenty of kids.

I feel a bit hypocritical since I'm the one constantly arguing for reading and dealing with difficult texts in church. Seriously though, when we have a lot of kids then what do you do?

I'd love to hear what you do!

Please do tell!

My Thanksgiving "Good Samaritan"

2010-07-06T08:10:00.000-05:00

One year I was driving 6oo miles, from Colorado Springs, CO to Waverly, KS to see my father, step-mother, and sisters for Thanksgiving weekend.

It's an excruciatingly long and boring drive; one that I had made several times. This time I opted to go a new way, away from the major highways. 3 hours away from home, around 6pm, I drove through a little town and as I looked away to adjust my radio I must have hit something in the road and the car spun and flew off the road into a ditch.

I tried not to panic though I was scared to deathand alone on a back road in the middle of "nowhere" (all before the days of cell phones). I gathered myself together, stepped out of the car and began to inspect the damage. The accident shredded one of my tires. Luckily I was just on the outskirts of a small town.

At the edge of town was a farmer's co-op, it looked pretty deserted but thankfully a man was there closing up the shop. The man was very kind and came out to help me get the car out of the ditch and change the tire. I followed him back to the coop.

This time his wife was there. She noticed that I was still shaking despite me attempting to put on a brave face. She insisted that I come home with them, have some dinner, get some rest and go back on my way in the morning.

She let me call my family to tell them what was going on and fed me a real Thanksgiving dinner (turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, etc). They also invited me to help decorate their Christmas tree! Their youngest daughter (10 yrs old I'd guess) and I crafted some Rudolph ornaments, played a few games, and shared many laughs. It felt as though I had made it home after all.

The next morning, while she fed me breakfast her husband took my car and filled it with gas (I had been 19 and hadn’t noticed that I was nearly on E!). She also stuffed $20 into my hand along with some gift certificates for McDonald’s. The daughter gave me one of the Christmas ornaments we’d made together.

I hate that I cannot remember their name but I will never forget them.

Assignment #2: Sentence series

2010-06-10T22:40:00.000-05:00

6 years ago my Introduction to Bible professor, Warren, gave me new eyes to see, new ears to hear, and new pages to touch, and new words to read. For 6 long years I have waited to read Solomon’s words of Wisdom; I have waited to hear my name called at the city gates; I have waited to breathe in new breaths of life that I now know will sustain me in the desert and nourish me in the wilderness of life.

Sure, I’ve heard Wisdom cry from the city gates: I was with God in the beginning, helping with creation, and was his daily delight; my words may seem crooked but they are straight; take my words of instruction rather than silver and take my knowledge rather than gold; those who seek will find me; whoever finds me finds life.

I know that words like hers echo and reverberate through the good news of the gospel. In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. I speak in parables, so that looking they may not perceive and listening they may not understand. Knock and the door will open unto you. Those who seek will find. Whoever saves their life will lose it, whoever loses their life for me will find it.

For 6 long years I have flirted faithfully but never explored enthusiastically, dived deeply, nor thoroughly thrust myself into Wisdom’s world.

6 long years after Warren first opened my eyes, cleaned out my ears, removed my gloves, and invited me to take a different look. For the first time, I opened the Wisdom of Solomon. For the first time in a long time, I cheered the words on the page. Finally, at last, I loosened the locks of Scripture and flew from the cage of Cannon.

Assignment 1: balanced sentences (I tried)

2010-06-10T22:38:00.000-05:00

For 42 weeks she nested in the safe darkness of my womb but on her third day in the scary sunshine world time stopped and spun forward all at once. He walked upstairs to find her swaddled in my arms while I weeping had been stripped to my core. She safely sleeping, I nervously nearing a breakdown.

Time stopped while my life raced forward. I could see her clearly—she was walking, going to her first day of kindergarten, 3rd grade, junior high, and then walking in her cap and gown, all the while we stood still, unchanged except for some extra pounds and a few gray hairs. Her life had just begun, but I could see my life with her would end. I had already lost her to the future.

In 42 weeks she grew from a dot of a zygote to the writhing crying waking creature in my arms, exponentially growing in size and form, never stopping except on that 3rd day of the world outside my womb.

After hearing his laughter at this time stopping—time spinning nonsense the spell was broken for nearly 15 years. During those 15 years time slowed to a crawl some days while some others zoomed at light speed but it never stopped and spun simultaneously until last month. It happened again as the girl morphed from ponytails and blue jeans into bouncy curls and flowery dress. Her footsteps echoed the steps she’ll take in just 4 more years—time stopped and spun all at once but this time there were no tears to strip me to my core. This time, the clock has not ticked and tocked, it has continued to stop and spin all at once.

August 18 is when the clock is slated to start again, that is the day when days and nights will merge into one, speeding the next 4 years into one short day in which her high heels will click and clack down the aisle and into the open and adventurous world that doesn’t move nearly fast enough for her.

PoP: Day 2

2010-06-09T19:54:00.000-05:00

I am getting my butt kicked! There are some amazingly gifted writers and thinkers in our group. I had no idea how much I did not know about writing!

Our first day one of the directors told us there were 3 things they assumed and/or wanted us to know:

1. We are all good writers--we could not have graduated from seminary without being able to string sentences together and be clear.

2. This is NOT a competition.

3. We are all in differing places with our writing abilities and we all have improvements to make and stuff to learn.

I've been chanting those three things to myself today. I am quite humbled by the writers that are here with me. Please do not chide me about self-esteem and the like--it's not about that. I've thought of myself as a writer most of my life. I've loved writing for a very long time. I would even say I'm a good writer.

I thought I knew and understood the basics of writing. How hard could it be? I've been writing complete sentences (off and on) since 1st grade, perhaps even Kindergarten. I had no idea about the many keys of the craft. OMG! I am in awe of what I don't know!

My first assigment was an epic failure. We were supposed to write an essay on whatever we chose but every sentence was supposed to be a "balanced sentence." A balanced sentence might be one that has parallel independent or dependent clauses (there is more than one way to balance your sentences--I think, I'm still working on understanding completely). Before we left to write our essays Mary told us that it's helpful to be writing about things/situations/idea that are an either/or situation.

My brain simply does not work in either/or. My essay barely contained one or two balanced sentences! It truly was an epic fail. Our assignment for tonight is to write an essay that is composed of series.

I'll be honest, school has always been easy for me. I've been able to BS my way through high school, college, and yes, seminary. It's done no favors for me. I don't think I've ever worked so hard on writing something as I did this afternoon and it truly was a disaster in that it did not meet the criteria I was given. It wasn't a horrible essay but it did NOT do what it was supposed to, or rather I did not write in the method that I was supposed to write.

Prior to the conference I was feeling a bit smug about being "chosen" for this class. There is no smugness left.

I am thrilled to be here and am loving it, however it is kicking my butt in a big way! I'm hoping to rework my assignment from this afternoon so that it meets some of the criteria of what Mary wanted. I've got a new assignment to work on as well so I should get to work on something!

Godde

2010-06-08T17:24:00.000-05:00

I've noticed that a few bloggers have started using Godde rather than God. It makes the point that the use of "God" still tends to imply that God is masculine whereas Godde makes the point that Godde is more than simply mascualine and feminine (definately more than a being with a penis!).

I like using Godde--I wonder how my congregation will feel about seeing that in print?

PS. Thanks Shawna!

Putting It One Paper

2010-06-08T16:54:00.001-05:00

I'm here! I'm actually here in Collegeville, MN at the Collegeville Ecumenical Institute and just had my introduction to a bit of what I'll be learning and working on in my writing! And do I have a LOT to learn!

As I explored my apartment I sensed just how much God has guided my life. I'm a girl who is more familiar with a trailor than a house with a big back yard and landscaping. Just the other day a good friend of mine pointed out that it doesn't take much to impress me--more than donuts at a hotel breakfast--awesome! I'm low-maintenence like that. I get a haircut every 4 to 6 months or so. I get my eyebrows waxed once a month or so. I have worn the same sandals nearly everyday for the past 4 years (Birkenstocks rock!). I wear jeans to church almost every Sunday. I'm a simple girl.

Today I walked into a small two bedroom apartment. It's nice and clean, simple and looks out over a lake with green trees lining the shore. It's breathtaking. Add to that, I am alone in this two bedroom apartment with a study in it that also overlooks the lake. Add to that, I am here to learn how to improve my writing and hence my preaching. I am here with a professional who has looked over a paper and essentially disected it to see what is inside--what kind of verbs do I use? What kinds of sentences do i use? How long are my sentences? This is just the beginning. That was the first 10 minutes!

I am blessed beyond measure! I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams! I've dreamt of being a writer since I could hold a pencil and write words. When I've shared my writing with professors and friends if they have said good things, encouraging things about my writing I shook it off as people who have care, who are being nice. Today, I was encouraged by someone who doesn't know or care about me other than in the fact that I am a human being. I was chosen to be here. Don't worry, I'm not getting a big head or full of myself.

Rather, as the tears rolled from my eyes and I tried to catch my breath, I realized that this is what is meant/intended for all of us. That feeling of love beyond measure.

In the beginning thoughts like, "How did I ever deserve this?" popped in and out of my mind. Then it dawned on me that this was not for me alone. I have not been blessed so that I may feel superior or supreme. Rather I have been blessed in order to share my blessing. No sharing in writing or finding a wonderful book but in sharing the message that Godde sent to me this day.

For you have been given much, much is expected.

This is not for me--not wholly for me--it is too large, too grand, too big for my life alone.

I'm just a girl from no where, no one, nothing special--no more than anyone else. This is Godde's vision--Godde's goodness meant for all of us. No starving, hungry children, no one abused or neglected. Rather all are meant to be surrounded by love and beauty that whispers insistantly that htis is the life and love meant for all of us.

Whispers from Godde say you are special! You are loved! You are worthy beyond your wildest dreams! Godde's goodness is created/crafted for you out of Godde's abundant love and joy and delight in you. Yes, you are worthy and so are they. Take this love to them--end the hunger, end the pain, end the expectations because I blow them all away. I love you! Godde.

Day 6:AC

2010-06-06T23:44:00.000-05:00

Today was the first day since Thursday that I did not log at least 300 miles on my car. I've enjoyed and appreciated not driving from Mound City to Springfield this day! It amazes me how exhausting driving can be. Tomorrow I will be driving back to Mound City. I will be glad to be home for the day but I'm not looking towards teh drive.

Earlier tonight we attended the CCYM (Conference Council Youth Ministry) worship. It was awesome! We are blessed by some talented and brave youth (definately brave! I'd be scared to be up on the stage at AC). A group of 7th & 8th graders played and sang! Amazing!

Hopefully I'll have some pictures to post soon!

A first

2010-06-05T23:48:00.000-05:00

I had a first today. It was pretty amusing.

As I watched a young man say good-bye to his family after we celebrated his grandfather's life I noticed that we have the same tattoo! Slighty different and in different places yet we both have Kokopelli tattooed on our bodies and on the same leg! His Kokopelli is on his right calf muscle while mine is on my thigh (and thus I did not approach him and show him mine). After he left I told his mother that her son and I had matching tattoos. We shared a laughed about it. I look forward to hearing his response.

His mom is moving to our town for a while. I don't know, she doesn't know for how long. I'm thrilled that she will be around. She's pretty amazing, funny, witty, and definately someone I'd be good friends with and while I have friends in our area, I don't have any close friends and I have the distinct feeling we'd be close. I'm glad to know that she'll be around even if only for a short while.

Day 4 & 5

2010-06-05T12:08:00.000-05:00

4 days is all it took to break the challenge! that is true with just about anything i take on--or so it seems. to be fair to myself, the past 2 days have had at least 5 hours of drive time in them and when i finally got to the hotel and then home i was not up to sitting at a computer.

i'm preparing for a funeral at 2pm. folks will be here around 1pm for visitation. i really shouldn't be blogging right now but i'm nervous and still worried about it.

the funeral is for a wonderful man who was pivotal to our church. i barely knew him. thankfully his pastor from florida (they were snowbirds) is doing the eulogy and sermon. i'm essentially the mc. i'm glad the other pastor came all this way--it says oodles about the pastor and the man whose life we are celebrating.

i hope to see my youngest for a few hours before heading back to annual conference. otherwise i won't see her for a total of 3 weeks. i don't think i can do that! i think i may have to teach her how to skype (and learn myself!).

i leave for collegeville, mn on Tuesday for the Putting It On Paper writing workshop. i'm excited and scared to death! i'll actually have to write and work and get critiqued. scary but wonderful stuff. i really need the focus right now.

say a prayer for the Moorman family if you get a chance and i hope it's a wonderful Saturday for you!

Day 3, 2nd Take

2010-06-03T23:49:00.000-05:00

Weird! I came back to make a quick post about Phyllis Tickle's book, The Words of Jesus: A Gospel of the Sayings of Our Lord, and noticed that the post I had made a bit earlier tonight never posted! It has been eaten up by the internet!

I'm taking it as a sign that what I was posting didn't really need to be read. I'll take it as a hint from the fates that it's better not to say such things in this forum. Now, you're curious aren't you? Ok, so maybe not!

I'm thoroughly enjoying Tickle's writing. I think this is the first time I've read her. Last year at the Christianity 21 Conference she stole my heart. She was witty, sharp, on target, and sweet. It was a real pleasure to listen to her speak--especially with Sarcastic Lutheran!

I'm not even a third of the way through so I'm not offering a book review--rather I'm encouraging you to pick it up and read it for yourself.

So here is what I fell in love with yesterday afternoon:

...That in addition to the approaches of the literal and the metaphorical camps there is a third way of knowing the Scriptures. There is --for want of a better word--actualness. There is interior to Scripture a holiness that is subject neither to literalness nor to metaphorical translation, but rather is the irreducible, ineluctable cohesian of it. The holiness of Scripture is its actualness, its unsplitable state; and conversely, the actual existence or pith or vitality of Scripture is its holiness. That is, by assuming an interior rather than an exterior point of view in considering Scripture, I became persuaded by two things: the bald-faced truth of it and the impossibility of ever, in time, receiving its full meaning.

Actualness acknowledges that Scripture is not literal and neither is it merely metaphorical--rather it is more than both of those. It is seeking the heart of Scripture--taking it as it is even when it's something as radical and awful as Jesus saying to love your enemies. Jesus was constantly saying things that we water down and suggest that he didn't quite mean them the way it sounds and yet some people like Phyllis Tickle, Shane Clairborne, Jim Wallis, and many others would argue that Jesus did say what he meant. Jesus did mean for us to give up our stuff and follow him. Yet, it does not mean that God literally crafted and created and breathed life into creation in 7 days, nor 7 days that signify some other strange and magical mathematical formulation that makes sense to some other folks. It is what it is...God crafted, created, and breathed life into our world in ways in which are deep and rich with meaning beyond what we see and understand at first glance.

Actualness (according to Tickle) is what Jesus was when he healed on the Sabbath to the dismay of the Pharisees. Jesus says he did not come to destroy the law but to make it come to life more fully--this is what Tickle describes in this book. It's beautiful. It's not terribly new int he scheme and histories of Christianity but for those of us in this time and place it can be thought of as cutting edge.

Getting to the heart of it without watering it down--accepting the Scriptures with what they say and going even further, delving more deeply into their meaning so that we can more fully understand.

I'm tired and my thoughts are a bit discombobulated. Please check out Tickle's book you won't regret it! (r perhaps you might but that's your problem! :)

Cause we all need one

2010-06-02T09:39:00.000-05:00

Thanks kathrynzj!

Day 2: What's your favorite poem?

2010-06-02T02:12:00.000-05:00

It sorta feels like cheating blogging so early. I have a feeling that my night owlishness is getting a bit extreme!

Hmm...favorite poem? Just one? It's by Rod McKuen. He's known more as a song writer but my senior year of high school I somehow ended up with one of his books, Stanyon Street and Other Sorrows, and fell in love. I painted this on the back of my denim jacket:

Do not tell me your name
why you came to town
what you do on Sunday
your favorite poet
                    movie
                    comic strip
your age and next of kin
         in case of accident.

Say instead that I am warm
let your touch talk
let the motion in the darkness speak
then go away if you must
but not while I'm looking.

It was exactly right at that time. It was the first time that I read a poem and my world felt complete because of it. It fit.

It doesn't fit quite the same these days but neither does the jacket! I still have my jacket. It's one of those items that I will keep until I can't. I don't keep much from my past. Joel is quite a pack rat but I'm not. We moved around a lot when I was a kid and so I learned to let go of stuff. My painted denim jacket is nearly 20 years old and the paint is flaking off but it's still relevant. On one of the arms it says "Silence Equals Death, Support AIDS Research & Awareness Programs." The other arm features a sunset, ocean water, land and says "Save the Rainforest." If I remember tomorrow I'll take a picture and add it to the blog. It's not genius or gorgeous--it's just me, it's sad how much hasn't changed since then.

Day 1

2010-06-01T09:07:00.000-05:00

The thing that drew me in to this month's NaBloPoMo's quest to post each day in June was that they are offering daily writing prompts. I love writing prompts--you never know where they will take you!

I've altered my office hours for the summer. I don't go in until 10am! I know it's crazy late but it's summer and it seems that with the girls and it simply being summer, my nights go rather late. During the summer we rarely have dinner before 9, the evenings are just packed! I am amazingly blessed to have such flexibility in my career! It is my hope that I can dedicate this extra morning time to blogging and writing more regularly--hooray!

Today's writing prompt: When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

The first thing I remember wanting to be was a Sunday School teacher--I didn't have a clue that I could grow up and be a pastor! I'm honored to stand behind the pulpit and preach almost every Sunday. It also thrills me to no end when I see some of the little girls from church "play church" and be the pastor! I love it!

I also wanted to play 3rd base for the Kansas City Royals. So how is it that I thought I could break the no girls allowed rule in professional baseball but not the ministry?

Yet, as I write it occurs to me that I wasn't a huge fan of our pastor at the time. He was angry and scary--always preaching fire and brimstone and shouting that we were going to Hell. Now that I think about it, no wonder I didn't want to be a pastor! He was icky and scary while our Sunday School teacher was loving, kind, and wonderful--of course I'd want to be like her rather than him!

Great day at the K!

2010-06-01T01:23:00.000-05:00

It was a glorious day at the K! The sun was shining, we had a great breeze for most of the afternoon. We were with great friends and even ran into a few by surprise. The people watching was fierce! Crazy drunken men and women making fools of themselves and their friends. We were relieved when we realized that they were not a family--or at least we hope they were not!

My girls didn't fight! In fact, they got along wonderfully! On our way home, they even talked about how great it was to just hang out and get along--they talked about how much they enjoyed being with each other! I began to worry that perhaps this was my gift before wrecking the car and taking us out in a horrific car crash! Thankfully, we all arrived safe at home tonight!

I wish I had a picture of the kid's face who sat in front of Merkin. The Royals' announcer began playing an instrumental version of Lil' Mama's "Lip Gloss." Merkin made a crack about me being old and asked if I knew what the song was. I replied that yes, I knew it was Lil' Mama. She then made another crack about me being old and lame. So after a few minutes I turned to her rapping "My lip gloss is cool, my lip gloss is poppin..." and the poor kid in front of us about keeled over laughing--it was awesome!

The Royals lost the game but we had a great time cheering just the same.

After the game we talked with some pastors who are absolutely amazing! Beautiful on the inside and out. Highly intelligent and extraordinarily witty. The he of the pair will be appointed to the one church in KCMO that I would LOVE to pastor! I'm so jealous! That said, I know he'll be amazing and can't wait to hear and see how he and his family will impact the church. I'm glad he'll be there even if I'd rather it be me! That said, I know that I am where God wants me for now so it's "all good!"

It's way past my bedtime so I better go. Just had to say hello and brag a bit about mustaches at the K, great friends, and awesome entertainment! Can't wait till the next day at the K! Next time with Miss Ainsley! I miss you girlie!

My youngest...

2010-05-17T21:37:00.000-05:00

My youngest is a bit silly and has a pretty wicked sense of humor.

Today when I walked into the house after my middle daughter's softball practice, Ains greeted me as Lady Gaga in her big (est) sister's snow boots, crazy hair, and a skirt used as a shirt/mini-dress singing "Rah-rah-ra-ra-ra" with some crazy dance moves. It was pretty darn cute.

Like most 8 year olds she still stalls when it's time for bed. Tonight she brought me a note from her teacher. I then proceeded to read it out loud "Ainsley is getting one of the special awards...she does not know she gets one." She burst out laughing. I asked if her teacher had told her not to read the note. Her face lit up as she said, "No! She didn't say a word!" She had already read it. Too funny! It wasn't taped together or anything. I guess she'll have to act suprised on Friday!

Another

2010-05-17T08:39:00.000-05:00

This morning I found out that another member of our church has passed away. This will be 4 funerals in 2 weeks. That's a new record for me. One I'd rather not have. I realize I need to stop being whiny. I'll work on that!

Another wonderful person has left this world for a better place, place where everyone is whole and in the direct presence of God. That's a beautiful thing but it's a bit much for those of us who are still here. I was looking forward to this person's return and getting a hard time from them and some direction with my preaching. This person really listened and gave me real feedback--not just, "that was a nice sermon, pastor."

They were well loved by our community and their family and will continue to be loved through stories and memories.

Peace be with you B. Say hello to Jesus for us!

I pushed the button

2010-05-16T11:42:00.000-05:00

I pushed the hot-button issue today in church--I cowardly did not take "a stand" but said that we are a church and that as a church we welcome all people no-matter what. Really not very radical at all but in our little corner of the world saying homosexuality in church might be enough to get in hot water. I say that all the time--church is for everyone--no matter what, today I just mentioned homosexuality with it. At the small church it was fine--heads nodded right along with me. At the city church it was pretty quiet and no one even mentioned it. I'm not quite sure what that means.

On a completely different topic--I bought a fabulous new luggage bag! FABULOUS! It's a Heys USA Exotic in Black and White Zebra stripes, 26in and so it will have to get checked but that's ok.

Cool, eh?

RevGal Friday 5: Family Tree Edition

2010-05-14T07:14:00.001-05:00

Daisy Belle Greeve & E. Robert Yockey

1. Do you have any interest in geneaology?

Yes, I like getting the stories behind birthdates, weddings, and deaths.

2. Which countries did your ancestors come from?

Holland, Germany, Scotland, & England (there are some rumors about American Indian bloodlines but I haven't seen that verified)

3. Who is the farthest back ancestor whose name you know?
Off the top of my head it's my great-grandfather, Casper Yockey (now, my hubby could probably name off someone much further back in my family cuz he's the one who does the research!)

4. Any favorite saints or sinners in the group?
Daisy Belle Yockey--my grandmother who is definately both saint and sinner!

5. What would you want your descendants to remember about you?

I hope to live a life worthy of the names Christian and pastor. I hope that people can honestly say that I loved like Christ.

Liturgical Snobbery

2010-05-10T22:23:00.000-05:00

I am a liturgical snob.

We buried my grandfather today. The pastor used the time to do an expanded altar call rather than celebrate the life of my grandfather or to offer any words of comfort whatsoever.

I thought that surely he would offer some traditional prayers at the burial--you know, some ashes to ashes, dust to dust, recieve this man into your open and loving arms, comfort this family, something! I must admit--he did ask God to comfort us but that was it. I wanted to hear about my grandfather being received/admitted into heaven, being made whole through Christ Jesus.

I did not want to hear that it was the time to decide whether or not to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I did not need to hear that going to church, belonging to a church or denomination did not guarantee me admitance to the afterlife or that heaven is a litural place somewhere in the sky/up above.

I've been to one other funeral that totally upset me as much as this one did. That was for my cousin, Doug. That pastor, different man but same denomination, also used the funeral for an extended altar call rather than offering words of comfort. I was 16 at that funeral and it bugged me then!

I wanted to hear about a new heaven and a new earth, about my tears and pain being wiped away. I wanted to hear about my grandfather being made whole and resurrected through Jesus Christ. I wanted to pray for God to lovingly receive him into God's arms. I wanted real words of comfort.

I wanted to hear ashes to ashes, dust to dust, from God and returned to God.

I did find that I have a pretty hilarious family. I received a disk of pictures of my grandfather that I will cherish forever.

Now I need to let myself feel the pain and sadness that keeps threatening to leak out. It began to sneak out but I pushed it back. I guess I need to pray for the strength to feel.

That said, it's got to wait till Thursday. I will be honoring the life and faith of a wonderful woman and friend on Wednesday. I hope we'll have a break from death for a long while--we've had too much of it in our church this past year. I know others who've experienced much more than I have but I'm really tired and need to rest in the Spirit.

Speaking of rest, good night and sweet dreams. God bless.

welcome to ministry

2010-05-06T05:04:00.000-05:00

this week has been one of those "welcome to ministry" weeks. it seems as if there are certain events/times/whatever that one "truly" gets introduced into ministry--sometimes they are wonderful and beautiful like when i was honored to baptize a little guy on Easter morning. more often it/they are the moments that sear with pain and confusion or insane business.

yesterday was a very emotional day. this week has been a heavy one.

a wonderful and beautiful man passed away on Sunday, we'd been waiting for him to let go for some time. he was also a man of devout and inspiring faith so while it was sad to lose it, it wasn't a horrible shock to the system. he had a long and good life filled with faith and love. i hope to die like that too. his wife has been amazing and strong--she is an inspiration. her faith is immense and beautiful to see.

this week begun with a mix of sorrow and inspiration. then my grandfather had a stroke. my grandfather who chewed on Swisher Sweets because my grandma didn't like the smell and the smoke. i can still see his big smile as he teased me and my friends with one of his cigars in hand. he was a tall man so his knees and legs were crunched up in his hospital bed.

for many years of my life i saw and hugged him every day. i'm sorry my kids won't have that with their grandparents. but for the past 23 years i've hardly seen him at all. my kids have met him all of two times that they can remember, one of which was just a day ago. i was scared to go see him because it had been so long, probably 6 years or so. but his smile was enormous and his eyes shown with love.

a woman who i love and adore, whose mother just passed away a few weeks ago, is probably soon to meet her mom. her battle (for she has most certainly battled) with cancer is coming to an end.

the good news has been that i have the honor of baptizing a gorgeous little guy on Sunday. funeral on Friday, baptism on Sunday. and now probably a funeral on Monday, and another will be quick to follow.

my grandfather died in his sleep this morning. yesterday he was facing the decision as to whether or not he would have feeding tubes placed in his body or to die. it's really quite wonderful that he was able to pass quietly in his sleep (though i do have questions about how quiet that might really be) and he did not have to suffer and starve to death--which is truly an awful way to go.

so this is my week, yet another intro to ministry moment(s).

peace be with you Grandpa, i love you and am thankful i got to see you and see that smile of yours once again. i love you.

check it out: Baxter's Ongoing Thoughts

2010-04-27T08:36:00.000-05:00

I've decided to make an effort to read more blogs and get back into blogging on a consistant basis. Over at Baxter's Ongoing Thoughts is a great article on our thoughts about ourselves and our thoughts about God. It's a great read and I highly reccomend it.

Baxter asks about our "I am nots..." For example, I am not...

brilliant
amazing
deserving
smart enough
pretty enough
holy enough
thin enough
generous enough
musical
healthy

...you get the picture. Whar are you not?

He goes on to talk about what people think of God, a few examples
God is:

judging
angry
demanding
dissatisfied with humans
etc.

He points out that we often project our own negative aspects onto god. God is so much more than anything we can projectonto God-either postive or negative. Why is this so easy to forget? Why is it so diffcult to to recognize the ?Christ within us, I am like God. I am...we are...

Loving
Kind
Compassione
sensitive to the needs and desires of others
respectful
creative
beautiful

What/how are you like God?

2010-04-25T21:09:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've blogged. I hope to do better at blogging regularly. This past week I was reminded just how important it is and has been in my life. I was blessed to spend 5 days with some amazing RevGals!

We were also blessed by the teachings of Nanette Sawyer and she directed us in the areas of spiritual discipline, hospitality to God, self, enemies, family, and creation. I especially appreciated the times in which we named and shared those places and/or activitites in which we are especially awakened to the presence of God in our lives. I remembered how good it feels to just write with pen and paper--not for any purpose, just to write. I remembered that photography helps me to witness the beauty of this wondrous creation and to offer thanksgiving to God. I remembered how wonderful it is just to pray with my girls and listen to their thoughts and prayers. I was reminded how the laughter of good friends heals the rough spots of our lives. I was reminded how wonderful it is to pray without worry of how one sounds or appears--just to pray alongside friends. I was reminded that it's okay to cry and how healing it is to receive a hug from someone who cares and probably has a pretty good idea about the hells you've been through. Thanks RevGals! I love you all!

This afternoon I was also blessed to be with other UM clergy and learn more about sermon prep and preaching from Gene Lowry. It's funny how one changes depending on the context. Rev. Lowry subbed for a few of our preaching classes in seminary. At seminary he seemed a bit distant and reserved. Today he was jovial, witty, inspiring, and accessible.

I better be careful or my brain might implode from all of this learning! I just hope it sinks in and stays!

Have I mentioned how good it is to be home? It is wonderful! I loved being at church(es) today and being in worship with the people I am honored to serve. I'm glad to be home, even if it is loud and hectic!

Does this sound right to you?

2010-04-16T08:12:00.000-05:00

As I looked upon my Yahoo page this caught my attention, "Medical Rights for Gays." Now, when I clicked on the link it led to an article called, "Obama extends medical rights to gay partners." I was relieved to find a better headline but I found it troublesome to read "Medical Rights for Gays." I am thrilled that finally partners/signficant others of anyone will be able to see their beloved when they are in ill condition or at their last in the hospital. I've heard heart breaking stories from friends not being able to say good-bye because parents didn't approve of "their lifestyle."

When we say "gays" or "lifestyle" it totally takes the human reality of the relationship of love out of the equation. Gays sounds like "the gays" or someother bizarro it/thing. Lifestyle implies there is some other way of living--something other than breathing, eating, and loving. It sounds as if "the gays", those things, live very differently than everyone else. As if people who happen to love and be attracted to those of the same gender don't work, eat, get dressed, and emote just like those who happen to love and be attracted to those of the opposite gender. And what about thsoe who find themselves attracted to others regardless of gender? Rubbish!

It's about damn time we stop with the dehumanizing of our brothers and sisters of this earth based on sexual orientation, gender, race, religion, potlitical viewpoints, etc! And please stop using the Bible to justify it! Why is it so difficult to understand that violence in the name of religion is wrong--whatever kind of violence it may be?

A Glorious Easter!

2010-04-07T10:56:00.000-05:00

Last week was a difficult week for me. We lost a beloved woman, one especially close to my heart. Her husband then fell and broke his hip, another man returned to the hospital possibly with an additional stroke (he regressed quite a bit in just a few days) and it was Holy Week with extra services and preparations.

Quite truthfully, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and struggled with some depression. Then I read an email from another pastor in this area about his Easter experience which was wonderful. As I emailed him back, thanking him for sharing his story I shared a bit of mine and it hit me just how wonderful and blessed I was by our Easter and how blessed I am in general, so I thought I'd share some good news for a change!

Within my first few months there was a crisis with a family that hit really close to home for me. A couple lost a child far along in the pregnancy. The doctors told them it was unlikely they could ever have one. It was devastating. Then they lost another. This past Easter I baptized their infant son! It was an extraordinary moment! Additionally, I was honored to welcome them (officially) into our church family!

Joel, my hubby/wanna be elementary school teacher, gave the most amazing and entertaining and profound children's sermon ever! As he led the children's time, I continually thought: "There is NO way I'm preaching after that! There's nothing left for me to say! I guess I'll just sit down and be done!"

But then there was an amazing musical special and a scripture reading between times and I was able to give a sermon and a very good one at that! Which was a miracle in itself! I had planned on telling a story that included my dad and not in a fabulous light, however the Spirit led me in a different direction. Thank goodness for that because who showed up to surprise me? Yep! My dad and his fiance! A little over halfway into the sermon I spotted him and then said a quick prayer for not revealing/sharing the story!

Our sunrise service had gorgeous weather and it was lovely.

I also worshipped at the nursing home that afternoon and thoroughly enjoyed making a joyful noise unto the Lord with them (I'm not a singer and most of them weren't either).

After that our family went to a hotel with a small water park and relaxed and played together. There were only a handful of families/people there and so it was perfect! Definitely an Easter to remember and rejoice in!

Thanks be to God! God is great! Amen!

A day with the Spirit

2010-03-28T23:17:00.000-05:00

I was concerned about worship this morning. Not so much worship but my sermon. I did my research but hadn't made a preaching plan. However, thanks be to God! Worship was awesome! Sometimes I wonder if I should ever make a worship plan, outline, manuscript because sometimes when I don't have a clue what I'm going to say, God provides the words and it's way better than what I could have come up with! I know this morning the Spirit was with me because I could not have done that own my own.

I napped the afternoon away which is both good and bad. I'll stick with good. We had a small but good youth group tonight. I had a wonderful visit with a great couple who demonstrate with their lives what it is to be Christian not just in word but in deed as well.

As I stepped into the house and began to switch into sweats Joel told me to stop that someone had come by and needed me to visit their mother because she has refused to take any of her meds and is "ready."

As I drove to see her I prayed for strength because I wasn't sure that I could go in and be the calm and abiding presence. This is a woman I love. I love the people I serve but there are some who are especially special to me and she is one of those people. It was a bit of suprise. The last time I saw her she told me not to worry that she would live so this was quite a change.

Thanks be to God, God graced me yet again this day. I was blessed to be invited into this time of saying good-bye. She told me she loved me and I gave her my love as well. We prayed and again, I could feel the Spirit with me.

I didn't cry until I got into my car. It took a while for me to stop and I'm still a bit shaky. I will miss her terribly. I know she will be in Glory but I will miss her. I know it's selfish, I will miss her because I could go to her home and be comepletely myself.

Thanks be to God . I don't know what else to say.

RevGal Friday 5: Redo, Refresh, Restore

2010-03-26T08:18:00.001-05:00

Songbird writes:

We're in the thick of it in church life as we approach the end of Lent. Palm Sunday and Holy Week await. In the midst of this busy-ness, I undertook a little redecorating here at RevGalBlogPals and found a new template for us.

It's the sort of task I like in the middle of chaos, a chance to redo something, to refresh the way I feel, to restore some sense of order.

Please share with us five ways you redo or refresh or restore your body, your space, your blog, anything in your life that needs perking up this week.

EVERYTHING needs perking up this week! So it feels anyway. Funny how just one or two things can make it feel as if everything is unraveling. Thank goodness it is just one or two things!

Redo: Often when I get stressed I need to "order" something so I will rearrange furniture in my house and/or office. I, like Songbird, also redesign my blog. Sometimes I have only enough energy to rearange the bookshelves in the living room. Yesterday I took a mental health day and attacked the clean laundry that has been overflowing off of the futon in our basement. Amazingly the futon is cleared of clothes, my middle daughter has gone through and weeded out her closet, now for myself and the other 2 to do the same!
Restore: I used to do yoga. I haven't for a very long time. A very very long time. The past two years I've been afraid to try because of carpal tunnel in my wrists. There were some poses that became increasingly difficult as my carpal tunnel worsened and now I've found myself too afraid to try to start again. If you have experience with this or know how to work around the CT please let me know. I do miss it!
Refresh: Paint or more commonly take photographs. I love to paint--just abstract stuff because it's easy and there aren't really any expectations for it. It's just fun and feels good. However, you need a good deal of time and space, or I do anyway. I need time for all the clean-up afterwards. Hence, I often just take my camera and photograph just about anything that catches my eye. I love digital photography because it makes it easy for anyone to be a great photographer! Plus, it is very refreshing/restoring because I find beauty in the oddest of places.
Renew: Hang out with great friends and just laugh, let loose, and be myself, forgetting that I'm a pastor and there are expectations about what I'm supposed to do, think, say, etc. Oh man, that sound SO good! I so need that right now!
Restore: Dates with my daughters. We take turns spending time alone with each of the girls. Often it's a Saturday afternoon of shopping (I'm not a shopper but do enjoy it with my girls--ONE at a time) or a movie, or grabbing a bite to eat someplace new. I miss KCMO and the art museums--2 of the girls would probably be interested in strolling around them now. There've been painting and cooking dates as well. It's nice to focus and spend time with them individually and get a chance to really listen and pay attention to what's going on in their lives, getting to know them better. Sometimes life flies by so fast that I feel as though I'm missing too much of them so I really enjoy our dates. I do wish I could get my husband to take me on a few dates too! However, when he's here he too wants to be with the girls since he's only here on the weekends--I don't blame him a bit!

Peace be with you!

It's a start!

2010-03-09T19:25:00.000-06:00

I've been reading Rev. Debbie Blue's From Stone to Living Word--Letting the Bible Live Again (I know, I've mentioned it at least once before!) and in her endnotes I found a great resource to something I began thinking about last week. As I was working on an entry for Feminist Theology in an Age of Fear and Hope I began thinking about God's love being like that of an abused child.

While I have read lots of stuff about the suffering servant, this seemed a bit different. I doubted that I was the first one to think of this and emailed some folks looking for resources. I'm still waiting to get a response from one of my profs from seminary (hopefully there will be one).

Lo and behold, in Rev. Blue's notes was a reference to an article by James Allison in 2006! Needless to say I'm a bit excited! I can't wait to come back after I've read it!

I better get to it so I can read it, let it rest, work on other stuff I need to be working on and come back to this later. I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions. Hop over to Feminist Theology in an Age of Fear and Hope if your interested in reading my thoughts. I'd really like to hear your thoughts!

Good-bye D, you are already missed

2010-03-08T20:59:00.000-06:00

This evening the world lost a wonderful man. I am blessed to have had him in my life for a year and a half. He came home from the hospital in November of 2008. The doctors had given him a week at most to finish out his life and say good-bye to his family and friends.

He has lived fully until a few days ago. He had some bad days but for the most part he lived, loved, laughed, and squeezed every drop of life there was for him to have. He knew how to live and how to die. I am honored to have known him and to have been his pastor.

Good-bye D and give Jesus a big hug from me.
I'll always love you and never forget you!

Sunday Services

2010-03-07T19:40:00.000-06:00

This morning we had worship for the first time in several weeks at the small country church I serve. It was only our 2nd service since Dec. 13, 2009! The weather has been that crazy!

It felt so good to be back at the small church. There were 6 of us in attendence and it was a wonderful worship. One of my favorite things about this church is its honesty. When we gather it's ok to say I used to have an alcohol problem or I have an alcohol problem, I was abused, I was a pregnant teenager, I've been to jail, I cheated on my spouse or I got straight A's this week, I had a great week at work and helped to save 2 people's lives. Whatever is going on is what these folks want to know about. If there are appearances to be kept I don't know what they are and that's what I love about it. I had forgotten how good it feels to be at a church in which we are who we are and that is ok and God loves us in our brokenness and offers a better way.

This morning there was a lot going on in all of our lives. We began worship in the normal way but I soon knew that it wasn't a day to stick to the plan, stick to the bulletin. I stopped and said, "I think there is some stuff that is going on and we need to deal with it instead of trying to muddle through the worship program." Everyone agreed and people just spoke up and we talked about the things going on. I began sharing and ended up giving a sermon. We prayed over the elements and asked for God's blessing as we received the Eucharist. We sang a hymn. We prayed together. I shared the Gospel. It was CHURCH in all the best ways we can be church. We shared tears and smiles, we experienced grace. I cried much of the way to the town church out of joy and gratitude to God for being placed in this particular 2 point charge.

I was a bit late to the town church but it felt good to walk into it as well. The church was fuller than it's been in months. We had VISITORS! We rarely have visitors since we are such a small town and church and today we had one from Minnesota--a water fowl hunter, 2 sets of daughters with their husbands, and one great-grandchild! How cool is that? It was quite exciting!

A friend joined us for lunch at the house.
I served communion to a wonderful man and most of his family and nurse that had gathered round his bed as he begins his journey to a new life with a new body. As I pulled the juice soaked bread away from his lips (he can't digest anything, just small "sips" from a sponge--or bread) I realized that this was the last earthly communion he would have and soon he would be feasting at Christ's actual table. It was quite powerful.

Then there was youth group. I wasn't fully into it so I'm afraid it wasn't great but we made plans and will be making videos next week so that's pretty cool. I'll see if I can get their permission to post them here when they're done.

I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. Now I must go and put curlers in my eldest daughter's hair. Somewhere I did manage to squeeze in a 15 minute rest--not quite a nap. It's been a full day and I can't always say that.

I love these days even when they leave me exhausted and weary. I know that this one day I have truly completed what God asked of me this day.

God is good. So good. All the time.
All the time, God is good. Amen.

Finally, I've decided!

2010-03-07T07:33:00.000-06:00

Lent came upon us especially quick this year. I've been struggline to decide what to do or take on as a Lenten devotion/discipline, I wanted it to be meaningful and that would truly pull me closer to God. Merkin gives up meat every Lent and she's very disciplined about it. Another friend and her family gave up fast food--that seems impossible and I applaud them! A different friend gave up cheeseburgers. Several people I know gave up pop/sodas/Cokes.

I've finally decided what it will be, on Fridays I will fast from television and the computer. This will be quite challenging for me and open up much of my day for prayer and thanksgiving, time to be quiet with God. It could also bring me closer to my family. While I'm a bit late, I'm happy to have finally decided!

RevGal Friday 5: Spring Cleaning Edition

2010-03-05T06:34:00.001-06:00

Sally writes:

I have been thinking about spring, although it is still ver cold here the snow has almost gone and the sun is shining. Here and there spring bulbs are bravely pushing their way through the earth and Tim and I are thinking about planting the first of the years veggies in the garden!

Then I read: The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you. (2 Corninthians 5: 17-20 The Message)

All this got me thinking that if we traditionally think of spring as a time for new life, then maybe a spiritual spring clean might not be a bad thing to clear the way for the new thing that God wants to do in us!

So with all of that in mind I offer you this Friday Five:

1. Is there a part of your spiritual life that is dry and dusty at the moment, something that could do with a good spring clean?
I don't know about a spring-clean but that sense of spring growth and renewal--absolutely! After my interviews on Monday with BOM I can't help but think that I need to delve deeper into my prayer life and relationship with the Holy Spirit.
2. Spiritual disciplines- life-giving/ terrifying: discuss
Life-giving definately! I say that and yet I definately need to work on being more disciplined with my spiritual disciplines. For the past 2 years I've said I wanted to start fasting on a weekly basis but it hasn't actually happened because I keep looking for the "best" day of the week to do it--you know, when it won't be "hard." Sometimes I can't believe that I'm the pastor and I can be the dimmest bulb in the room at times! I have been suprised by how spiritual and life-giving tithing has become. I never imagined how it could really be spiritual but it totally is!

3. Share a practice that keeps you spiritually alive that you think others might benefit from...
Hmmm....the most suprising has been tithing. It was a difficult process but now it is almost automatic. During the transition to tithing I was constantly amazed by how we were able to pay the rest of our bills. It was absolutely affirming in that just when I thought there was no way we'd be able to tithe that month or two weeks but we were--it seemed as though God always pulled us through. It reminded and continues to remind us that God does provide.

4.Alone or together, how do you pray best?
Pray best? I don't know about best but I love to pray in silence. When I am the one to pray out loud for a group I lose my words. That said, I love holding someone's hand or feeling their hand on my shoulder as we pray together--there's nothing quite like it, especially when I'm blessed to be praying with someone who does have the gift of praying out loud.

5.If your spiritual life were to burgeon and bloom into a spring flower what would it be and why?
It would bloom into a lotus flower that grows out of the muck and mire and into a beautiful flower. Life can be hard and ugly and yet God's love blooms and grows through the brokeness and sin that surrounds us.

Bonus, a piece of music a picture or a prayer that speaks to you of new life....
This is a big bummer but I can't find my favorite painting right now and I need to go get my girls ready for school and myself ready for the World Day of Prayer Service. I'll look later when I have more time.
Peace be with you!

Strange Names

2010-03-04T07:58:00.000-06:00

My dad has a friend whose last name is Strange--seriously! The last name really is Strange. As a kid this totally and completely cracked me up. For the longest time I thought that was a nickname, like they called him ____ Strange because he was strange. However, that is not the case! the last name truly is Strange.

As to a nother strange name...when I was a kid my mom dated a guy named Guy! Yet again, I thought they were giving me a hard time. The first time I met him I asked him like 20 times "What is your name, really?" until his daughter confirmed that Guy truly was his name. I was so embarrassed.

that's all I know about strange today. Other than of course,

People are strange when you're a stranger

Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down

When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name

When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down

When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name

When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name

When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

"Story of My Life"

2010-03-03T07:55:00.001-06:00

I received this cartoon from my good friend Kim this morning. It totally made me smile and I hope it will make you smile too.

I don't know that it is so much strange as it is annoying--my youngest daughter always pleads sick for school. She is the most sensitive little thing and this morning I offended her by using a demanding tone of voice and now will not get ready for school. Of course I have promised that I will roll her out of the car in her pj's.

I'm now shocked because she just walked out of her room fully dressed. Her hair is a mess and she has probably not brushed her teeth either but I'll take it.

Last night I switched gears from thinking about commissioning to wondering about an application I submitted for a writing workshop in June. I became very excited as I thought, "I'm supposed to hear in March! Wahoo!" and so I looked at the email which stated they received my application and they plan to let applicants know the END of March or first of April. Ugh! Oh well, thankfully there is a lot to do in the meanwhile. Besides, I don't really want to experience any more rejection for a little while if at all possible. ;)

I hope your day is blessed and not one of "those" days.

Strange Days

2010-03-02T21:03:00.001-06:00

I woke up this morning and didn't feel like facing the day just yet. Yesterday I sat before the Board of Ordained Ministry. I thought I was ok, but in my first set of interviews I broke down. I cried. I cried and cried and cried.

It started out fine. Then it felt as though I was being attacked. I doubt that I was but I was shocked by the person's assessment of my paperwork. What this person said took my breath away and I felt as though I had been slapped in the face or punched in the gut. Unfortunately I did not recover from this. I went into the next 2 sessions crying as well. I generally don't have an issue with controling my emotions but I certainly did yesterday.

I definately understand why the BOM would be leary of commissioning me. It still sucks. I don't want to redo my paperwork. At this point I have no idea if I will have to redo my paperwork or not. I will find out when I get my letter from the BOM.

The strangest part of the day was going into the sessions for Doctrine & Theology and Proclamation. I had assumed that they would be the most difficult sessions. They were the most affirming sessions of the day! I actually enjoyed talking with those groups!

The folks in Doctrine & Theology asked clear questions. One of them loved my Bible Study and asked for permission to use it. Proclamation folks were extremely helpful and affirming. This morning nearly as soon as I woke up I tried to write down many of the things they had suggested because I didn't want to forget anything.

The people in Worship were also very helpful and gave me some suggestions for how to prepare/plan for worship.

Yesterday gave me lots of information to process. Yes, I'm disappointed. I had hoped to be commissioned this year at Annual Conference.

However, I have a better knowledge of my weak spots and where I can grow. I am also confident that next year I will not cry and cry and cry, next year I will know what I am walking into and rest assurred that I can demonstrate my competency and readiness.

As one of my friends stated: God is good, all the time....it's just the BOM that sucks sometimes!

Napoblogwhatever's theme for March is Strange(r)

2010-03-01T06:29:00.000-06:00

One of the strangest things I can think of is the fact that I am preparing to sit before the Missouri Conference Board of Ordained Ministry this afternoon. I don't know that anyone in my childhood, or especially teen/young adult years would have dreamt this was even a possibility. I know I wouldn't have believed it!

That's what makes God and life so great isn't it? All the wonderful suprises? I think so!

Love and peace be with you this day!

Prayer Request

2010-02-28T21:08:00.000-06:00

Hello Everyone,

Monday afternoon I will be interviewing with the Board of Ordained Ministry for Commissioning in the UMC. I won't be alone--there are interviews all day Monday & Tuesday. Please keep all of us in prayers--both interviewers & interviewees. I'm sure we all need them!

Thanks!
Revhipchick

Some thoughts

2010-02-24T14:33:00.000-06:00

I've been reading a FABULOUS book by Rev. Debbie Blue, From Stone to Living Word: Letting the Bible Live Again. Rev. Blue is one of the co-founders of The House of Mercy, a church in St. Paul, MN. She has a way of writing that takes your mind out of the book, which is transforms/translates the Biblical witness into a raw breathing and bloodied gospel. It's tanglible, palatable, visceral. Rev. Blue doesn't simply take you from the ivory tower of academia but she smashes it to pieces and frees you to get dirty and rejoice in living or be pissed about it--to be real about one's life, Jesus' life, and this Christian faith we are a part of. I love reading it. I even looked her up on facebook and sent her an email thanking her for writing the book. She either has a life or does not care for stalkers--either way I'm perfectly fine with that.

Anyway, I've always been the "dirty" girl--getting my hands dirty, not afraid to let out a few curse words. In seminary, I led a worship service about prision ministry and while reading letters from some of the imprisioned women I dropped the f-bomb multiple times (yes from the pulpit). I did preface myself by saying that the world is dirty and harsh and if we are to minister to the world we can't be offended or afraid to get dirty ourselves and hence I was toning any of the language down. It was appropriate--not just me dropping the f-bomb for fun.

Lately though, I've been pretty darn clean. I've been working in the office, working on putting together our newsletter, crafting bulletins, doing paperwork, and it seems that if I wasn't doing that I was sleeping cuz I was really sick. This morning I was thinking how I don't always feel like myself, I'm not as free. I'm now the pastor and so I need to be shinier, less dirty. But as I savor Rev. Blue's words I begin to feel some slick of mud splatter and I feel a bit more like me.

Wer'e doing a Lenten study of Jonah and I've been reading scripture from Jonah instead of the lectionary's call for Genesis. I love Jonah. He's a huge jerk who thinks he's so much better than everyone else. Jonah is sorta like the church. We come in on Sundays, sometimes for Bible study during the week and feel pretty darn good about ourselves. Yeah, we're holy. Or so we tell ourselves. We snub the woman who lives down the block. She's married to a pig, she's left him 5 times or so and she's trying to again but we know she'll just go back. Do we help her? Do we even say hello? Hell no! She's a pain and sorta rude, sorta crude even. Yep, we're Jonah. We're either too good to deal with people like that or we're too afraid what it might costs us if we try to help.

I've always loved that Jonah gets vomited up on the shore. It makes me smile a bit, laugh on the inside as I think "ICK!" at him getting thrown up with stomach juices, maybe a bit sticky and definately stinky. I would like to know what Rev. Blue would make of getting vomited up.

That was this morning. This afternoon I ended up at Jesus Creed reading Scot McNight's take on the church. He wants us to forget about needing the church to be perfect and holy and instead engage in Augustinian ecclesiology which I understood to mean that the church is not supposed to be holy and clean and pretty. The church is a bunch of screw-ups who happen to love and want to follow Jesus. Now that's my kind of church! Really, how can it be anything else?

Lastly (for today), I was at a worship retreat with Marcia McFee (who is awesome!) and she talked about a church which had these great worship services but behind the scenes the people were fighting and bickering, it was a big ugly mess (my words not hers). As she continued to talk about why it was difficult but because of learning/worship/personality styles it was appearing to work well, I zoned out wondering how in the world they could have a good worship, a real worship, a meaningful worship if they were angry with each other behind the scenes. I've never expected worship to be perfect but have always thought that worship needed cohesion at least between the leaders/folks working together to create real and authentic worship. Yet, here was a great worship leader and designer saying a group was doing it. It was as though a cartoon bulb lit up in my brain--God can and does work in our brokeness! How often do I or have I preached exactly that and yet here I was shocked by the fact that Jesus walks into a room with people fighting and still manages to touch the hearts of others that are there!?!

I thought I understood what it meant to get and be dirty but I needed a good dose of Augustian ecclesiology!

Me & Kat Von D

2010-02-23T07:57:00.000-06:00

I had the craziest dreams last night! I didn't want to wake up cuz I was having so much fun!

(isn't she the cutest ever?)

Kat Von D. is a great tattoo artist, LA Ink, is a TV show that takes place at her shop. Each time I watch it I exclaim, "I want Corey to do my next tattoo!" Corey is pretty awesome, I love his personality and watching how he relates with his clients.

Anywho!

In my dream, Kat's tattoo shop was more of a dark New Ageish book store--lots of goth clothes, books, candles, decor, & jewelry. They even had some crazy exotic animals. I had bought a huge snake but didn't like her very much, she scared me too much to be a good pet. As I went in to check out the store I started talking with Kat and telling her that I didn't know what to do with the snake. She said that I could bring it in to the shop and they'd see if they could sell it.

I brought the snake in and long story short--it ate a cougar! How crazy is that? It was quite a site watching the two of them fight and waiting to see who would be the victor. None of us imagined that the snake would win!

Onto to Kat. She had to leave for a few days and asked me to cover for her int he shop. Some of the folks were really concerned that a pastor would be working in their non-Christian store. I knew it would be worse if I attempted to prove that I was cool enough to be there (cuz of course I'm not!) but I did promise not to mention Jesus unless someone else asked about Jesus or Christianity. Then I went onto say that there were a handful of pastors with tattoos and who liked the goth cultre. Needless to say that din't impress anyone.

It actually turned out to be a good day--other than the snake getting loose, going crazy, eating the cougar, and everyone seeing how I was completely afraid of my own snake (although not without reason obviously). I sold some cool knickknacks/decor stuff and had fun talking with the kids coming into the store.

When Kat returned we decided that we'd have a night at the shop in which we'd talk theology--answering questions and stuff. In my dream Kat was wiccan/pagan ( I don't know about in real life) and so we'd have lots to talk about with the differences between our belief systems as well as where we cross over.

I'm now questioning if I should even post this cuz it isn't coming out nearly as cool and fun as the dream experience! Grrr....I guess it was a "you had to be there" moment. Dreamland...the space in which everything is fluid and constantly interchanging and when I try to share it with someone else, the details become illusive and slippery. I guess the cool conversation with me and Kat Von D will have to stay in Dreamland.

Church Buses or sometimes you've just gotta get it off your "chest"

2010-02-15T07:47:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time there was a youth minister at a church. One of the church folks came up and asked her to make sure the kids were nice to the children in the family she had brought to church that day.
"Of course! I'll be sure to ask them to be nice but they are usually great about welcoming new kids."

   "The last family I brought to church had kids but now they are going to the Catholic Church. I just want to be sure that this family stays here."

The young youth pastor thought, hmm...perhaps they WERE Catholic to begin with but didn't say this, instead
    "Well, it is good that they found a church that they like and attend, even if it isn't ours."

      "I'm not so sure about that!" replied the parishioner.

     "We might be on different busses but we're all going to the same place!" replied the youth pastor as she escaped the conversation and went to change into her robe and prepare for the worship service."

The worship service went well. The senior pastor's sermon was on target as usual. However, as soon as the young youth pastor was heading to her room to disrobe, the parishioner from the earlier conversation was disturbingly poking her shoulder, "Yes?"

     "I just wanted to tell you, that for the record, I highly disagree with what you said earlier this morning. We are NOT all on the same bus! Catholics are NOT Christian and certainly NOT going to the same place we are!!!"

Then the parishioner continued down the hall and excited the church while the young youth pastor stood with her jaw dropped to the floor.

2010-02-15T07:16:00.002-06:00

more odd snowflakes (the new photo uploader is making me crazy!)

2010-02-15T07:15:00.000-06:00

Have you seen snowflakes like these?

2010-02-13T23:24:00.002-06:00

2010-02-13T23:23:00.000-06:00

Winter Photos

2010-02-13T23:21:00.000-06:00

Jesus Rifles?

2010-01-19T13:21:00.000-06:00

Just when you think you've heard it all...

New Testament references embedded into the sites/scopes of the rifles that are being shipped to the Middle East for the Army and Marines to use. How freaking appauling is that? on a multitude of levels. This makes me sick and outraged, utterly outraged!

It's probably going to be a big boost for Trijjicon, Inc--the morons who are manufactoring these scopes. Is this a joke to them? Or do they somehow beleive that this is evangelism? How in the world does anyone read the New Testament and think that Jesus is all about war and killing?

I'm not stupid. I know this is nothing new, but it still churns my stomach.

In addition to the theological issues there is the issue of these morons actually trying to start WWIII! What about the US American men and women in Iraq and Afghanistan? Are they trying to put their lives in even more danger? How can they possibly be seen as anything other than enemies to Muslims when they are carrying weapons replete with Christian scripture verses on them? (Yes, I know...not all people in Iraq/Afghanistan/Middle East are Muslim)

These idiots at Trijjicon, Inc. should be put on the United States terrorist lists as their ridiculous schemes are sure to create even more tension and danger for the men and women serving the USA, as well as our country. I hope that the US government doesn't turn a blind eye to this and revokes Trijjicon's contract.

It's one thing to be theologically unstable and dangerous as an individual and selling products with your "message" to those who are aware of it but to put them in the hands of men and women who are in charge of keeping order and peace, placing their lives upon the line for their country is atrocious. But I can't imagine that they care.

That doesn't even cover the men and men of a different faith carrying these weapons and using them. Ugh! This just gets worse the more I think about it!

It is actions like these that cause people to think Christianity is nothing but a joke.

Avatar

2010-01-11T12:41:00.001-06:00

This weekend we braved the cold winds and went to see Avatar. It is a gorgeous movie! I would love to know the people who created the creatures and plants--they have amazing imaginations. I was in awe much of the time by the sheer beauty of the effects and unusual creatures. It was spectacular!

The storyline is very familiar. White folks (mostly anyway) find a new land that has a mineral, unobtainium (ok, couldn't they have gotten a bit more creative here?), and seek to destroy all the people, creatures, and land that could prevent them from getting to it. Then one of the white men falls in love with the chief's daughter, becomes a better Navii than any of the actual Naviis and leads them in fighting off the other whites. Can we ever move beyond this plotline? Could the indigienous peoples ever save themselves? Could the whites ever learn or incorporate the widsom of the indigienous peoples?

One thing that was a bit unusual and nice to see, was that the Navii did not seem to discriminate between men and women--they did not follow male vs. female roles, both males and females were hunters and warriors (we didn't really get to see other roles but I trust they would be consistent).

I look forward to it coming out on video and hopefully using clips for sermons or youth group/Sunday School. It is rich with religous themes of baptism, being born again, our interconnectedness and relation to God. I'm sure somone is writing the official book about it as I write.

The storylines are familiar, as are the characters, and even their religous portrayals. The cinematography makes it all worth watching.

PS.

Over at Jesus Manifesto there is an article about people who are struggling with depression (some sounds pretty severe) after watching Avatar! These folks were so drawn in by the beauty that their reality no longer meets their own needs and some even feel suicidal. I never imagined that sort of reaction!

What does this say about the state of our culture and society?

RevGal Friday 5: Dream Edition

2010-01-08T11:11:00.000-06:00

1. Do you tend to daydream?
Yeah, I'm guilty. i'm a very visual person.

2. Do you usually remember your night dreams? Do you find them symbolic and meaningful or just quirky?
It's probably 50/50. When remember them I do consider what they might mean, what my sleeping brain is trying to process.

3. Have you ever had a life changing dream which you'll never forget?
I've had lots of dreams that I'll never forget...lots. Howver, I don't think I'd classify any of them as life changing.
4. Share a long term dream for one or more aspects of your life and work.
Writing a book, my first is a memoir and I already have the title. I've started writing it but I think I have more life to live before it's truly ready to be written.

5. Share a dream for 2010....How can we support you in prayer on both the short and long term dreams?
I long to find my voice in leading the churches I serve. I've been listening, thinking, and I've been discerning what we need to do, what God is leading us to do and now I've got to lead us there. I pray that I can help our churches to follow God's will. Long term? That I too will have the courage and strength to follow God's will.

Bonus: a poem, song, artwork, etc. that deals with dreams in general or one of your dreams.
Ok, so I've mentioned the writing thing, my longing to write a book. The one I've been waiting to write, the one that I haven't lived enough yet there have been times I've laid it aside. One day I thought a seminary memoir would be fun to read and to write. This is the intro that I have written for it...perhaps posting it will inspire me to actually do more with it.

Let’s get this straight from the outset. I do not believe myself to have been some outstanding seminarian. No, I know some of them, am honored to call a few friends but I am not one of them. I am one of many called by God (at least we believe to be, while I’d guess there are a few straight up charlatans in the bunch) to attend seminary and then find a way to serve the church, to serve God’s people both inside and outside of the the church. Despite what you might be thinking, despite what some professors, fellow students, preachers, and ministers might tell you, this is not a prestigious call. It shouldn’t be anyway, if you are going into the ministry in search of personal validation and victories, please do everyone a favor and go elsewhere!

“But you, you dear one are writing this book, why are you writing this book if you are not held in higher regard than the rest of us? Why bother with any of this?” I’ve asked myself these questions as well. It’s more of a compulsion, one of my own madadjustments to living this human life. I’ve fancied myself a writer since I could write, since I began to string words into sentences, since my very first poem that didn’t rhyme. It’s been my dream, so perhaps I am seeking validation from you the reader, that my dream is not dead. That I have not grown into a failure according to my 10 year old self. No, I do not dare disappoint her—she had enough disappointments, the least I can do is fulfill this one dream of hers, it’s too late for the rest.

The other reason why I write this book is because I am not the person one would expect to be called into ministry. I am not alone, there are many of us. Religious outcasts, we are more comfortable with agnosticism than evangelism. I’ve seen books (but have not read them—not at this writing anyway) that I believe are directed toward us—“They Like Jesus, But Not the Church.” We have lived lives not of holiness and serenity but full of mess and muck, dirt, grime, and lots of swearing. We do not want a pristine church. We want a church that Jesus would have gone to, we want a church where no one cringes when the F-bomb is dropped. We want our lives and the church to have real meaning, not being simply comprised of words, nice clothes, and some crazy wonderful hats. Nor do we want praise music and hymns to be all that we sing. We live in the world. We know we are sinners, some of us might even suggest that Jesus sinned on occasion as well. So if you prefer a nice clean church and a Jesus who never made any mistakes, let alone sin, then put this book back on the shelf and walk away—make a coalition to ban the book (I could use the sales increase and it would certainly be self validating) if you’d like, but at least be intelligent about it and read the damn thing first! I think that’s enough for now, I might as well get started on the rest.

See you later, dear Mary Daly

2010-01-07T20:31:00.002-06:00

Mary, I can't really say good-bye. It's hard to believe that you've passed into the great BEyond. It makes me sad to think that we no longer have you with us, but I'm sure you're shaking things up and having more fun than ever before.

Mary Daly is one of my favorite theologians and writers. She wrote with delight and joy, letting the pen loose. She was fearless and an inspiration for many, especially me.

A few years back, my friend Rick and I drove 2.5 hours to go see and hear her speak in Emporia, KS. It was strange to think of her in Emporia, KS but she was fabulous! She looked grandmotherly but let the F-bomb fly.

We met her afterwards and she was lovely. She signed my book, I shall take even more care of it now. She asked me if I was a writer, I naively said yes, and she told me to never give up and write with courage.

She changed our world. Even if you don't know her, she changed your world. Thank you Mary!

I'll always love you!

Monday MeMe from Homebrewed Christianity

2010-01-04T10:25:00.000-06:00

If you're not aware of Homebrewed Christianity please check it out, it's pretty awesome. Each week they host a podcast featuring a variety of theologians, writers, etc. You can also listen to previous podcasts--right now I'm listening to the amazing and wonderful emile townes!

The MeMe asks what other 3 religions besides Christianity are you interested in and why. You should check out Deacon Hall's 3 religions of interest.; I found it very interesting and enlightening.

Taoism--Not all folks consider Taoism a religion, many consider it a philosophy. Either way, I really "digg" it. I would characterize it as looking to the rhythms of life and attempting to align one's self with it in a natural sort of way. Natural meaning non-coercively, not trying to make oneself bend and fit to it so much as finding one's place. Tao is the life energy, or energy of life, it is the nameless boundless energy that IS. Mind you that is a very poor definition or characterization but currently the best I can offer without having the Tao te Ching in front of me. You can check it out online here.
Green Wicca/Nature based pagan/Celtic stuff. I differentiate between some of the "green wicca" and nature pagan/Celtic stuff and "traditional witchcraft." I'm not interested in the spells and stuff like that but do find the way they approach nature very interesting. I tend to be "process-oriented" which has the idea of panentheism--not that material things/nature is God but all exists within and is permeated with God. Sort of God as pregnant mother and creation as the child within her womb. Hence I am interested in this sort of thought in wicca and Celtic beliefs as well.
Lastly, I'm interested in a variety of American Indian religions. We, non-American Indians, tend to lump all the tribes' beliefs into a pan-Indian belief system but they can be very different from one another. I especially love the story-telling and trickster stories. I feel as though I'm grossly overgeneralizing but it seems to me that American Indian story telling and belief systems understand how to use, how important story-telling is to our faith. The mystery of life and religion is accepted and embraced rather than thinking that if we figure out the facts and "truth" of science, etc. we can become like mini-gods or something crazy. There seems to be less need for control in the American Indian belief systems than in Western beliefs whether Christian or Pagan.

What about you? What 3 religions other than your own interest you and why? If you decide to play at your place, please let me know so I can read your thoughts too.

Revgals Friday 5: 2010 Edition

2010-01-01T10:13:00.000-06:00

Sally writes:

As I prepare this post I am aware that it will be posted on New Years Day. We stand at the beginning of 2010 looking not only at a New Year, but at a new decade full of promise and possibilities. For some of us this will be exciting, but others will approach it with trepidation and probably most of us stand on this threshold with a mix of emotions and reactions.
It is at this time of year that many (British) Methodist Churches celebrate their Annual Covenant Service, a service that will include this prayer:

I am no longer my own but yours,
Put me to what you will, rank me with whom you will;
put me to doing, put me to suffering;
let me be employed for you, or laid aside for you,
exalted for you, or brought low for you;
let me be full, let me be empty,
let me have all things, let me have nothing:
I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things to your pleasure and disposal.
And now glorious and blessed God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, you are mine and I am yours.
May it be so forever.
Let this covenant now made on earth be fulfilled in heaven. AMEN

This prayer is said every year, and offers every member an opportunity to renew their covenant with God. This is no soft or easy prayer, it states in the company of others our willingness to worship God come what may, not that we should become doormats, but that we place God above all else. ( And every year if we are honest we have to acknowledge that we fail).

With this prayer in mind I bring you this Friday Five:

1. What will you gladly leave behind in 2009?

I gladly leave behind my mistakes and failures of 20009 in hopes that I have learned what I needed from them.

2. What is the biggest challenge of 2010 for you?

My biggest challenge of 2010 is to honor this body as a gift from God. I have not treated it well and I want to live well, for God, for myself, for my family and friends. I want to be around as LONG as possible so I can shake things up for God!

3. Is there anything that you simply need to hand to God and say "all will be well, for you are with me"?

Everything! Specifically, the commissioning process. I keep saying that I trust God, just not the church but perhaps God is asking me to stop being rude and cynical and to trust the churh, trust the process.
4. If you could only achieve one thing in 2010 what would it be?

Hmmm....ONE thing? Lead the churches I serve to be missional churches, that it becomes part of our church DNA.

5. Post a picture, poem or song that sums up your prayer for the year ahead....
Sally never makes things easy! ;)

PS. We prayed our Wesleyan Covenant Prayer this past Sunday and here is the revision/modern translation I wrote,

A Covenant Prayer in the Wesleyan Tradition, Revised

(updated language by Rev. Crystal Karr)

I belong not only to myself but to You, Holy One.
I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll befriend whoever you ask.
Give me a good life, give me a hard life.
Let me work and earn all that I need for me and my family,
or let me struggle to provide for myself and my family.
Never let me experience hunger or let me starve.
Give me all kinds of stuff or give me nothing.
I will take everything that you give me—wealth or poverty and I will dedicate my life and livelihood to You.
Wondrous and amazing God, Creator, Redeemer, and Sustainer, You belong to me, and I belong to You.
Let us always belong to one another.
Let this prayer and promise I’ve made this day be blessed and sealed by You and all of heaven, as an everlasting contract between us.
Amen.

Looking for a little help/advice/critique/etc.

2009-12-16T15:59:00.000-06:00

The following is a rough draft for Sunday. I'd appreciate your thoughts. This isnt' where I was iniatilly headed. Initially I wanted to have a 60something in my congregation and a a14 yr old stand and greet one another as Elizabeth and Mary, then read their respective parts of the scripture. Now I'm not sure where or how that fits in. Originally I was thinking about how unexpected Mary and Elizabeth are, how human, and messy this whole incarnation thing is and to awaken us to the messyness of it all and to rejoice in it. Yet, I didn't get anywhere close to that and currently I'm a bit too close to "see" properly. I'd really like your thoughts--please leave your thoughts in the comments.

One of my favorite things to do is to look for art, especially paintings that were inspired by the scripture we read each week. The paintings draw me deeper into the story. Each artist emphasizes and illustrates something different from the next. For example, some artists have dressed Mary in rich and luxurious fabrics like velvet, while others dress her in rag-like clothes. Some have the angel, Gabriel, larger than life floating above her with Mary cowering in fear. Others have Gabriel bowing before Mary to honor her with the news. Each picture enriches the story of the Annunciation, gives more depth and food for thought.

Often what appears to be a "little thing" might give us a new perspective into the scripture, give additional meaning. Until recently, it was normal for artists to paint Jesus and stories from scripture into their own modern context---think of all the elaborately decorated dresses and costumes Mary has been robed in throughout the years--historical accuracy was not a concern. This allows the story to be real for us--to break into our world and open our eyes and heart to where God is moving in the present. Sometimes we zero in on a particular rendition or image and begin to idolize that image--forgetting that it is just that, one artist's idea. But if we examine many images it can enrich our understandings of the scripture and help us to grow in faith.

As I've looked for pictures of this week's gospel reading, of Mary and Elizabeth meeting, the pictures I've seen show 2 women greeting one another, sometimes with rounded bellies, each filled by a little boy. Yet, they sort of look the same--perhaps it's the family resemblance. Their differences are not striking nor profound--a slight difference in age but not too much.

Yet, when I picture Elizabeth in my mind, I see a woman with grayed hair, tired from the weight of the child, tired from taking care of her ailing mother and father, tired from reading and playing with neighborhood children that could, should have been her grandchildren and yet she is just beginning her journey into motherhood.

Mary, she's young, her face pleads innocence and confusion, and joy, through it all is joy. She has just the beginning of a baby bump, hardly noticable unless you already know she's pregnant. She could be the nursery helper, assisting her aunt Elizabeth on Sunday mornings.

These are two women who have no business bearing children, let alone children that are special not only to their mothers but to the world, to us 2000 years into the future and beyond.

As they meet there are no wayward glances, no scanning of one another's bodies looking for a note of shame, downcast eyes, that recognizes the aberration of their bellies--each filled with an infant son. No, instead there is joy, excitement, and anticipation for the birth of their special babies. They are at home with one another.

Can you imagine the chatter? Have you felt the hiccups yet? Oh, John kicks all the time--I think he might be a great soccer player! Then laughter! The laughter they must have shared--laughter over the disbelief, Zechariah's muteness; tears over the lack of understanding, the lack of belief, the looks, the small cruelties inflicted as they walk down the street. Joy over being together, finding sanctuary in one another sensing that "yes, this IS absolutely real!"

It is no wonder that Mary would then break into song! Have you ever had one of those moments? Have you ever just burst into song because you were overwhelmed by something--good or bad? When the girls were younger we'd make up silly songs for everything and there were (and still are) those moments in which life feels like a part of a movie and you could easily be convinced that someone is recording it? The only thing missing is the background music to cue you in on what will happen next.

Mary's song, her Magnificat, begins by praising God and moves to proclaiming the promises that her son will make come true. Her song is much like Hannah's, it's the classic Biblical reversal of fortunes--the hungry are fed while the previously well fed go without, the poor are elevated while he rich are humbled, the world is flipped upside down.

Good news for some but for most of us in this sanctuary it's sort of scary, at the very least a bit intimidating! But this is what happens, what has been promised by the Most Divine, the Holy One when God becomes man, becomes flesh and bone. When the glorious day arrives and Christ returns for a permanent transformation of all of Creation, the world will be made right--which likely means that our values and priorities will be set straight, that all peoples on the earth will be well fed and have what they need.

No longer will we be driven by fear of war to stockpile weapons of mass destruction. No longer will we feel be driven by greed to stockpile stuff. No longer will we attempt to fill the emptiness--the void that we foolishly attempt to fill with food, alcohol, drugs, money, and stuff. All of our additions and greed will fall away, shatter into dust because God will be with us upon the earth, peace will fill our lives. Real peace, peace that is more than freedom from fighting, the peace that which only God can give will envelope and transform us from the inside out. We will be free from the fears and false idols that distract us from loving our neighbors and loving God with all that we are. God will live among the people, finally, at last, all will be well and joy will stir our hearts evermore.

This is the joy I see in Mary and Elizabeth's greeting. This is the joy that I pray you and I, we will awaken to this Christmas and this is the joy that I hope and pray that we will courageously bring into our world with each day that is gifted to us. We too are asked to make room for Jesus, we too are asked to give birth to Christ, to raise Christ up so that all may see and recognize the bit of Christ, that image of God that lives within each and every one of us. May that living image of Christ be born in us, so that when we greet one another--we too can experience a joy-filled exchange of love and recognize the Christ in one another. Amen? Amen.

We're not really up and running with screen and projector so projecting images isn't great. I'm not sure about making large prints from borrowed photographs of paintings, besides unless they were really big then people couldn't see anyway. Help! Please!

Altar time

2009-12-03T11:08:00.000-06:00

As I walked away from the altar this morning I felt great joy and honor, and a wish to bring this to everyone.

I fully believe that God is present all the time, that holy moments surround us but we are not awake to them. Each time I kneel at the altar I am awakened--physcially, mentally, and spiritually. As soon as I breathe in the wood, feel my knees on the hard floor, I am transported to a new place. I look at the cross above me and I am surrounded by the presence of God. It is beautiful, awe-full, and tender.

Sometimes I can only stay but a minute--feeling frightened, likely a time in which I need to stay. Other times, like today I wanted to stay longer but wasn't sure of the time and didn't want to be interrupted, so I ended my prayer and walked away.

As I walked away, I realized that I am tremendously priveledged to have a key, an in to the sanctuary any time I feel the need. I can come day or night it does not matter. I wonder if others do the same. I know of a few people who have keys and do come into pray. One comes in late at night/early in the morning before the dawn and loves to sit and pray in the darkness. She says its most beautiful then. But what about the rest with keys--do they know they can come, any time and pray?

What about those with no keys? I long to go back to the days of unlocked churches, unlocked sanctuaries that are open for prayer, for refuge. Out of fear, we lock our doors, even in a house of faith.

frustration with this process

2009-12-02T09:45:00.000-06:00

Why do they ask unknowable questions? Questions which far greater minds than mine have struggled with and come to no good answer.

I say, "I have an inkling that it began with free will but know nothing else." Sin, that is what we're talking about. I want to say, "I don't know and neither do you so why do we play this silly game so that you can decide if my answer is enough?" Instead, I will come up with a fallible failure of an answer that I know we cannot possibly discern. I will play your silly game because I want the status, the honor, you can give me.

How ironic is that? Nearly every week I get up and preach that these honors men and women bestow upon themselves are nothing. I preach that God chooses, prefers to lift up the lowly, the tossed aside and tossed away, those trampled on, those who men and women say are worthless. Yet, here I am prepared to play your silly game so that I can come back week after week and proclaim that God loves the lowly, the weak, the untouchables, and so should we. All while I play your silly game where you determine if I am good enough to proclaim God's love in your churches.

Some days I wonder why I play this game. I wonder if God is truly in this game that we play. This game in which I'm asked to pretend that I have the answers and you determine if these answers are good enough while we both know that they are not. Yours are not. Mine are not. Our human minds are not enough to fully understand.

I take this time to step away from my family, my church, God's people who I've been called by God (not you) to comfort and to lead and to love.

I have to believe that this game we play means something more or I am a fool. Why can't we sit down and talk about God, grace, love, redemption, and where God is moving in our midsts? Those are important conversations. Why do we instead play a game, a quiz where the answers are simply shadows and echos of what might be truth or might be our greatest misunderstanding?

Why not make it truly meaningful, rather than a game in which neither of us know the answers to the questions?

Reflections for the First Sunday of Advent

2009-11-28T08:23:00.000-06:00

Luke 21:25-36 The Message

25-26"It will seem like all hell has broken loose—sun, moon, stars, earth, sea, in an uproar and everyone all over the world in a panic, the wind knocked out of them by the threat of doom, the powers-that-be quaking.

27-28"And then—then!—they'll see the Son of Man welcomed in grand style—a glorious welcome! When all this starts to happen, up on your feet. Stand tall with your heads high. Help is on the way!"

29-33He told them a story. "Look at a fig tree. Any tree for that matter. When the leaves begin to show, one look tells you that summer is right around the corner. The same here—when you see these things happen, you know God's kingdom is about here. Don't brush this off: I'm not just saying this for some future generation, but for this one, too—these things will happen. Sky and earth will wear out; my words won't wear out.

34-36"But be on your guard. Don't let the sharp edge of your expectation get dulled by parties and drinking and shopping. Otherwise, that Day is going to take you by complete surprise, spring on you suddenly like a trap, for it's going to come on everyone, everywhere, at once. So, whatever you do, don't go to sleep at the switch. Pray constantly that you will have the strength and wits to make it through everything that's coming and end up on your feet before the Son of Man."

This is the first Sunday of Advent, the first Sunday in which we awaken to the need to prepare, to prepare for the Christ child that will be coming. We are told by Jesus, himself, to keep on guard, do not be like the maidens whose lamps ran out of oil, not to fall asleep while waiting for the bridegroom to arrive and bring us into the party. No, we are to be awake and aware, prepared. And yet, not so prepared and focused on the arrival that we miss out on the present, on what is before us this very minute.

I liked how The Message said not to get lost in the drunkenness of parties and drinking and shopping. It is as if the composer, the paraphrase of The Message interpreted this scripture solely for this first Sunday of Advent. He warns us not to get lost in the parties, the festivities, the shopping of the season and forget to be still and prepare our hearts for to wait for God to become human flesh and blood.

The Message gives us the perfect image of the excesses we indulge in at Christmas—not merely the parties but the shopping and spending, the “Shopocalypse,” as Rev. Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping say.* It’s so easy to lose ourselves in the giving and getting of Christmas, that we not only lose ourselves but we lose the purpose of the season, we forget the purpose of Christmas—not that families get together, that is nice but it’s not the meaning of Christmas, not the gifts, not the niceties in which people may be more kind to one another during the season, this is good but not the reason for the season of Christmas.

I’m afraid that to say, “Jesus is the reason for the season” is no longer enough to explain—we’ve made Jesus into a cute white plastic baby-doll that lays in a manger never speaking hard truths, like Pilot, we’ve tried to strip Jesus of his power and grace and put him somewhere where we can control him. Like Pilot, we do not have the power to do such things—praise the Lord!

The reason of the season, the purpose of Christmas is to stand up and take notice that Love has been made flesh and blood! God has had enough of this long distance relationship with humanity and has become flesh and blood, has become one of us so that we might truly and fully know who God is. God decides that it is not enough to bless the world through Israel but to come and bless the world on God’s own terms, to bless us directly, to seal the gap, to bring the kingdom of God to us here and now, no more waiting! How amazing and wonderful is that?

That is a gift that money cannot touch, that nothing money can buy, cannot even come close to acknowledging. The magi laid down their gifts and laid their very lives before the Christ child. We have cheapened their gifts with $10 bath salts, My Little Ponies, and PS3s.

Instead we are asked to stop the debauchery, stop the insane shopping trips, stop the parties and quiet our hearts, preparing them for what it means that God will become human, that we are waiting not only for the Christ child to be born (again) in a manger 2000 years ago but also for the Christ that will come again and make this world new, give us peace that we cannot even imagine, to right all the wrongs of this world.

Jesus tells us the signs to look for—war and fighting, the earth quaking and falling apart, the world in natural and political chaos. These are the signs that the kingdom is near. Yet, this is the very world in which we live. This is the world that has always been—natural disasters, “man’s inhumanity to man.” God’s kingdom is always near, if only we are awake enough to see it, feel it, and live into it. Throughout Jesus’ life and ministry he tells us, repeatedly, that the kingdom of God has come near to us this day. This very day.

There is more to come—more chaos and more healing by Jesus the Christ. It’s not over yet. Some people are terrified by this promise as it has been “gorified” by books like the Left Behind series, end of the world movies, people selling fear instead of freely offering the hope of Christ, the hope that we find comes to each Christmas.

I like The Message’s paraphrase but it misses one very important piece, listen to these words in the NRSV,

Be on guard so that your hearts are not weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and the worries of this life, and that day catch you unexpectedly, like a trap.

Do not let your hearts be weighed down with the worries of this life. Do not let your hearts be weighed down with the worries of this life. Yes, we have a tendency to party and indulge in excesses and this includes the excesses of worry and fear. There has been much selling of fear regarding the end of the world, the hope, the peace have been left out and pushed aside. Fear sells not only movie tickets and books but also all the stuff we don’t need, stuff that doesn’t protect us from the things we should fear—greed, sin, the things that turn us away from God, lead us into ourselves rather than turning to God’s grace and love. Fear sells but God’s grace and love heals, repairs, changes lives, gives hope, gives us eyes to see and ears to hear God’s message of love and hope.

We are not to live our lives in fear of what’s to come anymore than we are to live in debauchery and indulgence. We are to live in the grace, the love, the hope that is present in the Kingdom of God in which Jesus brought near to us 2000 years ago, and that we prepare our hearts to experience in a new way this Christmas. If we are to experience this again, we must stop what we’re doing and quiet ourselves, preparing our hearts and minds, wake up to the kingdom around us and wait with beautiful anticipation. Amen.

Friday 5: Don't Stand So Close to Me Edition

2009-11-27T10:17:00.001-06:00

Songbird writes:

You see, in high school, I had a crush on my Chorus teacher. He was a young guy, and he had gone to college with some cousins of mine, and over the summer between 9th and 10th grade, we ran into each other at a series of pre-wedding parties, and I fell DEEPLY in like. You?

1) Did you ever have a crush on a teacher?

I've always crushed on teachers and professors. In 1st grade I crushed on my teacher, Mrs. Fry. I absolutely loved her and everything about her. In 6th thru 8th grades I crushed on her brother Mr. Fry (no joke! it's a small world, especially in KS) as we learned history from him. In high school I developed a major crush on Mr. Pappas who taught Psychology. Then my freshman year of college I heavily crushed on my English professor--Mark. I shared my poetry with him and he took an interest in my writing. We went to dinner a few times and talked about writing, he took me under his wing. I thought it was more but I was so wrong. We stayed in contact for a few years. I still get excited when I see one of his books for sale. Sometimes I think it would be hilarious to tell him that I'm a pastor now--if he would remember me.
2) Who was your first crush?
Gary Gutsch
3) Have you ever given a gift to a crush?

Yeah, Shawn Hamlin--8th grade. I brought a helium balloon that said, "Somebunny Loves You," and tied it to his locker. It was awful, he was embarrassed and therefore really mean about the whole thing. Looking back I understand, but it sure sucked back then!

4) Do you have a celebrity crush? (Around my house we call them TV boyfriends and girlfriends...)

Dr. Calliope Torres from Grey's Anatomy! This year she has further endeared herself to me. I so totally love her! And she is a total hottie!

There is also my long standing crush on Henry Rollins who I recently discovered plays on Sons of Anarchy! I'm so glad to see him, even if it is without his tattoos!

I also gave him daisies at one of his spoken word events!

5) Have you ever been surprised to find yourself the crushee?

Yes, it was a pretty sweet feeling. (sweet as in gentle and adorable)

AMC (American Movie Classics) Brillance

2009-11-27T09:47:00.000-06:00

AMC has a brillant ad campaign this season...Story Matters Here. Each time the commercial comes on, I have a little cheer in my head. (ok, not so much now since it is always on!) I love this, this should be our/the church's campaign.

That's it, I love it. I might alter it bit for the church

The Story.
It.
Matters Here.

Hope's Story
Changing Lives
Here

I'd have to work with it but you get the idea.

Good job, AMC! Now, can you replay the Godfather Trilogy during the day so I can actually watch it?

Inspiration from a disaster flick--2012

2009-11-23T07:27:00.000-06:00

This Saturday, Merkin and I indulged in 2012. Neither of us can resist a disaster flick (except Armageddon)--especially one that was made by the folks of Independence Day. It was great fun even if a little disappointing. Both of us were stoked to see the falling of the Jesus in Rio De Janeiro--it's an amazing landscape and to add disaster and a crumbling Jesus would have been amazing. However, that was only seen from the small screen of a television set during a news report.
I did not attend 2012 for some insights about the end of the world, humanity, or the Christian faith. I attended 2012 for some mindless fun and cool (albeit cheesey) special effects. That said, there were 2 specific scenes of destruction that have stayed with me. The Vatican crumbling down and the Washington Memorial nailing the president.

Yesterday was Christ the King Sunday. As we proclaim Christ our King we get this whole kingship thing screwed up in our heads. That Christ is king is ironic, its subversion at its finest but too often we forget this. Instead we talk about heaven having streets paved with gold, jewels for doorknobs, etc. We picture Jesus in a gold crown and glorious robes. Yet, this was a guy born in a cave/barn shared with animals; a God-man who died on a cross rather than call upon the heavenly powers that be to curse his persecutors with Old Testament wrath and fury.

All of this we forget and we build monuments, cathedrals lined with gold, silver, filled with gorgeous artwork, all to remember that Christ is our King. We build these cathedrals and monuments out of our need to create beauty and art. We build these cathedrals and monuments to honor our God and other heroes.

And yet, in 2012 we watch as people gather before these monuments and cathedrals in their time of desperation and prayer only to be destroyed, killed by them. The adoration and praise that is channelled into the building of these monuments and cathedrals was terribly misdirected. Time, energy, and cash was funnelled to these projects instead of helping humanity, giving to the least, and hence giving to our Lord and Saviour.

As the priests kneeled in the Vatican and the walls came crashing down around them, you wondered if they felt foolish worshipping a god that wasnm't there. I imagine that was the intention of this particular scene, yet I did not wonder about the absence of God. I wondered if in that moment they realize how misdirected they had, we have become. Rather than worshipping the living God, we spend too much time, energy, and money crafting institutions and memorials. Those things we create and craft only serve to come crashing down around us, crushing us rather than helping us to experience God--they kill us.

The president watches as the tip of the Washington Memorial points directly at him and topples ontop of him and the White House. What is he thinking at this moment? Is he wondering if the money spent on a humongous spike would have been better spent on the people of the United States providing health care? food? housing?

Probably not, afterall it is a scene in an end of the world disaster flick. But it made me think of such things, it made me wonder if all the "stuff" we've crafted and created to honor God has done more to make us forget the subversion of Christ the King and led us to imitating our governments and culture. All the stuff contributes to our drift (sometimes a deadheat run) away from the "un-King", Jesus the Christ.

Amen? Amen.

Ramblings from an ill, V saturated mind

2009-11-01T20:34:00.000-06:00

I've caught the flu. It stinks and I'm ready for it to be over.

However, today the SyFy channel is having a V marathon. ABC has remade it and begins airing the new version on Tuesday at 7pm (central). I was 11 when the original series aired. I was fascinated by it. There couldn't have been a better day for me to be sick--at least I got to watch the miniseries over again!

It is just as compelling as the first time I watched it, even if the graphics are laughable. I'm interested to see how they will change things with the new version.

A few things I've noticed is that in the orginal the leaders tend to be women. The main alien leader that appears is a dreadful woman who uses her sexuality to get ahead--of course she is sleeping with her boss. She is as beautiful in her human form as she is vicious. The leader of the resistance is also a woman. She too is beautiful (and blonde--the evil alien is a burnette of course!) but uses her mind rather than her sexuality. Eventually men come in and take over but she remains strong and a leader throughout the story.

They make overt references to the holocaust and needing to hide people away from the aliens. In the first shows there is a survivor who convinces his son and wife to take in a family. As I watched I thought about the very few survivors left--that in and of itself scares me. I wonder if we will forget. Sometimes it seems as though we've already forgotten.

There is a hispanic man, a gardener (of course) who helps a family escape (the same one the holocaust survivor helps). Their youngest daughter cries and cries, and the man gives the family a bag of what looks to be Hershey kisses. As they thank him and seem suprised by his knowing what would quiet her down, he shrugs his shoulders and says "I know a bit about this." My heart sunk as I heard these words because life is no better for illegal immigrants trying to escape to this country, if anything, they are probably worse.

A few weeks back we saw an updated Children of the Corn. It was absolutely HORRIBLE. They ruined the story from the very begginning, there was no guessing, wondering what was going on--they played it all out. They made the couple a mixed race couple and the black woman was a hateful screaming thing. The white guy was a vietnam vet who we were supposed to feel sorry for. How's that for racism and stereotyping?

I hope the updated V is better but I don't have a lot of faith in that. I will be sitting in front of the tv come Tuesday night, assuming I don't have any meetings to attend (which is a pretty big assumption).

Revelation 21:1-8, A Sermon

2009-11-01T19:23:00.000-06:00

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, the New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,

‘See, the home of God is among mortals.

He will dwell with them;

they will be his peoples,

and God himself will be with them;

he will wipe every tear from their eyes.

Death will be no more;

mourning and crying and pain will be no more,

for the first things have passed away.’

And the one who was seated on the throne said, ‘See, I am making all things new.’ Also he said, ‘Write this, for these words are trustworthy and true.’ Then he said to me, ‘It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give water as a gift from the spring of the water of life. Those who conquer will inherit these things, and I will be their God and they will be my children. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the polluted, the murderers, the fornicators, the sorcerers, the idolaters, and all liars, their place will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulphur, which is the second death.’

Today is All Saints Day in which we celebrate and honor those whom we are joined with through our Christian faith and have passed on. Often we think of saints as only those people whom the Catholic Church has called saints, but as Methodists any Christian who has passed away is now a saint. It’s a day to honor the dead.

In Mexico it is called Dia de Los Meurtos or Day of the Dead and it spans 2 days. At the same time as the Day of the Dead the monarch butterflies are begging to fly through Mexico to reach their hibernation home on the trees in the mountains of central Mexico. It is believed that on the backs of the monarchs the spirits of the dead are brought home. The first day is the day that children who have died arrived and then the adult spirits come on the 2nd day. The night of Halloween, All Hollow’s Eve is spent waiting for the spirits to come. It is a joyous celebration. The graveyard is decorated with the favorite foods and drinks of their loved ones—a feast is prepared for the spirits and made to help them find their way home.

We don’t deal well with death in our culture. We usually understand that it is something to fear. Often when we see the Mexican skulls decorated with gorgeous paintings and even gemstones, we are taken aback. It scares us a bit, it does not offer any comfort. But in the Mexican culture it is a way of embracing and no longer fearing death—almost making fun of it.

As Christians we should not fear death, we have been promised a joyous and wonderful day in which we will be hugged and greeted by Jesus the Christ, himself. God’s face will shine upon us! A day of rejoicing it will be!

Our scripture, our periscope, for today says, promises:

‘See, the home of God is among mortals.

He will dwell with them;

they will be his peoples,

and God himself will be with them;

he will wipe every tear from their eyes.

Death will be no more;

mourning and crying and pain will be no more,

for the first things have passed away.’

Granted, we don’t know when this day will arrive—we don’t know if it will be on the day of our death or at the end of time as we understand it, but this day has been promised to us.

God has not given up on our world that seems to worship violence and war, bringing people to death’s door far too soon. No, God continues to work to restore creation. God gave birth to our world, lovingly crafting even the wings of a butterfly, as well as the moon the many universes that surround us—nothing too small or too large to overlook. Everything precious and good. Somehow sin and brokenness found its way into the goodness, the sacredness of creation, but God is not done.

We often think of restoration as bringing something back to it’s original state, but God’s restoration of creation is a promise to not only restore but to make it even more glorious than it ever was, more glorious than we can even imagine. All the words, all the images we can come up with, fall short.

One of the most difficult things for me to understand is that this will happen in God’s time, not ours. Many have given up hope that this will ever come true. It seems that every generation has believed that they will be the ones to watch and experience this world as it comes to its end. Some believe that they can manipulate things and make it come quicker, but the scripture is clear—the city of Jerusalem will come down to earth from heaven. God brings the Holy City to us, to earth. God does this, we do not build a second tower of Babel to meet God—no, God brings the Holy City to us, God as with Christ, breaches the gap between the Sacred Divine and our brokenness. God comes to us, yet again, this time making all things new, beyond our wildest dreams and imaginations.

In this new world, there will be no more brokenness. There will be no more sin. The lectionary writers didn’t think we could handle the entire pericope; they cut this scripture short at verse 6a. Perhaps they thought saying that no fornicators, no liars, no adulterers were going to be allowed in this new creation. Perhaps they thought I’d get up here and shout that you were going to burn in hell if you lie, if you idolize something or someone, if you have affairs, if you practice magic. I’ve heard people do that, but I don’t believe that is what these last verses are truly saying. If all that was true, if we were going to burn in hell for being liars, adulterers, idolaters then what was Jesus about? We are Christians and God has gifted us grace, undeserving, unmerited grace that transforms our lives.

The point of the last verse is that along with no more death, no more crying, there will be no more sin, no more brokenness. There will not be liars, adulterers, idolaters because they won’t exist. All of that will be wiped away and transformed into something far greater, far more wonderful than we can even dream or imagine.

In this new and awesome creation, God will make all things right, we will be redeemed and transformed into the people God has always known we could be, even if we couldn’t do ourselves. Let us remember as we partake of the communion bread and wine, that we are not alone, we do not do have to rely upon ourselves, that God is with us. Thanks be to God!

larger than life--a rant

2009-10-14T20:39:00.003-05:00

I've become larger than life
but the bigger I get the smaller I feel
The more I want to be seen and less and less

The pictures I take reflect the beauty around me
caught up in it all I have my picture taken
and suddenly I can no longer see

See the beauty
for a minute I felt it
it felt good
it felt inside of me

So how does another picture
make the beauty fade so fast?

Like a caricature of who I once was
overinflated on the inside
but its gone inside and shrunk everything else while it's gone larger than life can hold
in my body

Now to shrink the outside
to grow up and not out
that has got to be possible

But then I see those pictures
and think it's just not possible
to make this caricature real
but I desperately
want to be in a picture of beauty
and still see me

I want my body to be able to hold my life and not take out my knees.

2009-10-11T06:40:00.004-05:00

When we talk about the future of the church I want some specifics.

Ok, so I know that's not entirely possible.

HOWEVER...Diana Butler Bass spoke yesterday (perhaps my favorite, I think I might be a church history nerd) and pointed out that in psychology they say that the greatest predictor of future action is how people have behaved in the past. There fore, if we want a glimpse into our future then we need to examine which part of our church history to which we are most similar. When, where, who had similar issues, similar people, etc...

Diana Butler Bass then gave us a few suggestions as to what people are currently saying about that (she offered the examples and I'm offering some issues/people/way of life):

Early Rome--pre-Christendom, multiple faiths living together, a government that rules with violence and proclaims it's leader the son of god, wealth belongs to a very small few and most people struggle just to get enough to eat.
Reformation--a time of great change in which many are frustrated by the Church and some of its practices, the Church seeks to eliminate those voices which are different, the Church is nervous about losing its power.
Middle Ages--this was Diana Butler Bass' suggestion, she didn't go any further than to say she sees some similarities with our time and theirs. I really want to know more of her thoughts on this...do you know if this is any of her latest book?
18th century/John Wesley--another suggestion by DDB in which I would have liked to have heard more. It excited me because of the Wesley thing. I see the similarities as far as there are lots of small groups of people who are frustrated with the church and these folks are meeting on their own, some having this be their church while some do both their formal church and their small group. These folks are concerned with living out their faith and not having it be a head-game so to speak.

What do you think? I'd really like to discuss and hear your thoughts.

On a personal note, I think I'm falling in love with church history because it reminds us that we are just a speck, another blip on the screen. We've lived through this and thrived before and we will again. DDB said that "history is the basis for wholeness." I think she's onto something with this.

DDB quoted John Meechum (please forgive me if I'm off on the spelling), "History is to a country what memory is to an individual." She asked us to insert church for country: history is to church what memory is to an individual. This applies to both Church and church. Then she went on to talk about what happens when an individual loses their memory, she reminded us about Alzheimer's and how painful and scary it is for both the person and for their loved ones. She goes on to say : Loss of memory is not funny, it is fatal. When you lose your memory you lose your sense of self. You lose your family. You lose your community. You lose your body’s ability to even function.

As a person who watched a loved one suffer with Alzheimer's for approx. 15 years, I know what she's talking about. I also know what it's like being on the side, the worry, the sadness, the hopelessness.

We can't afford to lose our memory--that is what will keep us going, growing, and thriving (ps. I'm not talking numbers here, I'm referring to spiritual growth).

So where do you think we're going? Returning?

stream of consciousness rant I

2009-10-10T10:29:00.001-05:00

hipster—what’s up with that? in general this is a trend in the emergence. what about those of us who are not hipster and attempting to bring emergence to rural ministry, who says it’s “just for educated hipsters” I counter that this “emergence” needs to be everywhere or else it will not emerge. a sort of “duh” moment. but when will we stop trying to imitate all these other churches and listen to our own church? our own location. that is what most emergent churches have done. often the difference is that they have chosen their location. they knew what they were looking for when they began or trusted the path would become clear.

what about those of us “placed” in staid places? we need to break through the crusted layers that keep Spirit out. peel those layers and Diana Butler Bass would have us help them remember who they were when they began—the good and the bad, put it in context with the Church, and then know where to go.

this can be difficult because when people are comfortable there is no need to peel back layers “that might hurt”. pastors need to be brave to do this. churches need to be ready to not worry about growth for a while, not numbered growth but spiritual growth. can the conference handle that? can our churches handle that?

some days I think I’d be up for working a full or part time job in order to have a church like this. but that means not making a new church, not making it easy. not that making a new church is easy—it’s not but it’s another challenge, another grape, another grapefruit. it’s transformation. are we ready for transformation and rebirth? let’s stop birthing new and start growing down (thank you Alyce Barrywood for that!). can the conference handle that?

I don’t want to go anywhere other than where I am. but I want to be a part of transforming this place, these 2 small churches. that’s what God is calling me to in this minute and I have resisted it. I’ve been afraid to be honest about what I’m here to do. I’ve been afraid if I said it out loud that they wouldn’t want me anymore.

but I think that’s what the churches want as well, to experience Christ in their lives as churches, as people, as a family of faith, and as individuals. I think these churches want real transformation. it’s scary though because we want to have enough money to make it, to pay the bills, we want to meet those standards set before us so the conference won’t move us, close us down. fear, not faith have guided us this far. I think I’m finding my faith again. will you come with me?