Reverential Musings

Christopher would have been 27 today. I imagine that he would have graduated from college, gotten a job and still rides his long board to work. His brown hair tousled and windblown from the ride. Perhaps by now he'd be looking to settle down and start a family or perhaps he'd be adventuring around the world and exploring.

I also imagine that our daily reality would have been pretty harsh had he survived. Had he lived, I probably wouldn't know him either as we were set to give him up for adoption. I was only 16 and quite a mess, I wouldn't have been a great mother. Some of my roughest years were still to come. Often I've thought death was kinder to me than adoption would have been. I would have constantly been looking and wondering and trying to find him just to know that he was okay.

Please understand, I believe in adoption. I believe mothers and fathers who give their children to another family to raise are brave and show great faith. I do not think I could have b…

Hello and Happy Monday!

The past few weeks have been rough at work. So rough that I've had days in which I'm not sure I can continue doing what I do for another year or so. This weekend my husband asked if I'd made it to the gym in the past few weeks. Of course, I had not been.

A hard truth is that when I go to the gym my mental health is greatly improved. Earlier this summer I had a few rough days that I went before work and then went after as well. It helps me to relieve the stress and frustrations. So why didn't I go in the past few weeks?

The other things I've failed to do in the past few weeks is eat gluten free. I've also shredded my nails. I've simply fallen off the wagon.

When did I fall off the wagon? After going to get my psych eval for the ordination process.

I think this was a major lesson in self-sabotage. The closer I get to what I really want in life, some part of me freaks out and stops taking care of me.  What is up with that?

On the flip s…

My feelings were hurt. I didn't say anything because I understood the other person's perspective of why they had "disappeared." The only person I mentioned it to was Joel. He's a great sounding board and agreed that this person probably needed some time to lick their wounds as I had been unable to help them. That's all fine but I was still hurt, annoyed, and even angry that instead of talking to me directly that I was temporarily cut out.

This morning I was pondering what I should do. Do I reach out to this person or wait until they reach out to me? Do I act as though nothing has happened or do I acknowledge it? What does this other person want? Do they want the help I can give or is all of that too late?

On my way to work I remembered the DR asking me "Do you always take care of other's emotions?" He said that even in the psych eval process I was trying to take care of his emotions, gauging my responses based on what I felt he could handle. I …

It's been several years but here I am again.

I'm now in process to become an ordained pastor in the United Church of Christ!  It feels like I'm entering a period of renewal and getting back to my true roots and calling.

Thankfully I have a fabulous mentor for the process. She has given me homework. One thing is totally creative and not using words--only pictures to collage themes of fear and failure. The second piece is to journal about fear and failure. I've decided that it's highly unlikely that anyone actually reads this blog anymore since it's been inactive for years so it's as good as place as any to journal.  Plus I found a great community when I was actively blogging and my hope is to renew that community as well.

A few things for you to know, this year I broke my 40+ years of biting my nails!  This is HUGE and something I've tried to do most of life. Unfortunately, I have developed a new bad habit, I fiddle with my fingernails and often end up t…